Feedback Forum
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Hi! Upload your recordings, and get feedback from your peers!
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Hello all! Here is a recording for any and all feedback. Working on sounding conversational and authentic. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
Mary
Motel 6 Do-over
I’ve just been hearing about this trendy new hairstyle called a man bun. I mean what’s next – the beehive? Well, Motel 6 recently got a new updo of sorts too, with renovations nationwide, and even with our fresh modern look, you’ll still find rooms at the lowest price of any national chain, so you can save up enough money to get yourself a haircut or maybe a hat. We’ll leave the light on for you, at Motel6.com
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Hi Mary. Great read. Very clear and well articulated. I particularly liked the first two sentences, which i felt sounded more conversational than the following sentences (about renovations and new modern look), which felt a bit more like it was being read. Keep up the good work! Toque
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Mary
I liked where you’re headed with this. I think the first two sentences were done well. You established an approach that’s a little quirky and also set a nice anchor for the finish that also contain references to hats/hairstyle.The third sentence seemed to be a little flat to me in spots. There are some key words and phrases that reinforce the underlying message that could be more emphasized (new updo, renovations nationwide, any national chain). I also think the uptalk used for “fresh modern look” de-emphasizes the point of the message – just emphasize fresh and modern. I liked how you ended; “hearing” the smile in your delivery helped me relate to the message.
I think you were challenged by a very poor job of copywriting. The third sentence, beginning with “Well”, is far too long and choppy and contains four separate and distinct topics, most deserving sentences but separated by just commas. It sounded like the last comma got you a little bit, making the brief pause sound more like a period at the end of a sentence.
All that being said, overall, it was pretty good and this is why we all practice.
Chas-
Thanks for the feedback Chas! The script seemed to call for quirky, so I’m glad it came across that way. I struggled with the third sentence a little – it was so long, so I was working to to make it flow a little better and varying the tone every which way to help with that. Thanks for all the detailed comments, very helpful!
Mary
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Hi Mary,
I certainly found your read conversational, authentic, and personal. In particular, your opening two sentences and your concluding sentence.
This is such a valuable time for me as I learn how you and others are interpreting scripts, choosing tone, and targeting pitch.
Thank you,
John
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Hi John, thanks for the feedback! I’m glad it came across as conversational and authentic. The first 2 sentences sounded like something I would actually say to a friend. If I did this again I may add some periods in the third sentence. It goes on and on but would be clearer in meaning and easier to perform if broken up a bit. I hear from my coach all the time how we should be picturing / targeting a very specific person for the scripts. Sometimes that is easy to do, and sometimes not. Thanks again!
Mary
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And a second one! 🙂 This is a corporate onboarding narration for my upcoming demo as well. I think this is not my best work but it’s getting late lol! I am going for conversational, friendly, encouraging. Hope to be hitting this mark. Thank you! Also – there are quite a few plosives at the start of this – any tips for dealing with plosives?
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Great read overall Katelyn! Good catch by Chas on the to/ta pronunciation. I struggle with that a lot too, not just for words like “to”, but also the word “for” (saying “fer” instead). One thing I’ve found that helps is to write those words on your script as “2” and “4” rather than “to” and “for”. Toque.
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Katelynn
You nailed your three goals of conversational, friendly and encouraging! You made the topic engaging with your tempo and pitch, it went smoothly from end-to-end because of your choices of timing for the commas and I think you chose the correct words to emphasize. One little nit pick – I heard “to” pronounced as “ta” in both places where it occurs. Overall, a very nice job!
Chas -
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Good day everyone. Here is a piece for my narration demo I’m working on with my coach. This is a corporate explainer narration piece. I’m going for friendly, but this is still really important. I hope it sounds conversational. Let me know if it hits the mark. Thank youssss
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Hi all, Looking for any feedback on performance and sound quality. Thanks! Alexis
It’s amazing! I never thought one cereal would make my whole family stay for breakfast. HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS. There’s never been a cereal like it. With big corn flakes and crunchy bunches of oats. Finally … a cereal my whole family loves.
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Alexis
That was a great read! Excellent tempo, very nice variation in pitch and volume throughout, definitely was natural and conversational and your choice of which words to emphasize was spot on. I may have heard a small breath after the 4th and the 5th sentences but it could be my equipment. Well done!
Chas
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Here’s a “before and after” of the same travel script, with the after intended to incorporate forum feedback I found very helpful. Primary objective was to bring more emotion to the phrases that paint the word pictures of the tropical setting, between 14 seconds and 21 seconds. Thanks in advance for all input.
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Nice job! I think you accomplished your goal of adding some emotion and bringing the scene of the tropical vacation to life. One small note is that in both reads, I was hearing “lush, green palms” as sounding a bit fast, almost like it was one word. I think you could slow down when describing those. But otherwise everything sounded great!
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Hi Everyone, I hope you’re all safe and well. I’m working on some demos with David Goldberg. This is my commercial demo which is going up on my website at http://www.jonmccomb.com
Let me know what you think! Cheers!!
Jon
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Hello all! Here is a recording for any and all feedback. Working on sounding conversational and authentic. Thanks for listening!
Mary
Third Shift Beer
Third Shift is not just a beer, it’s a story.
A story about loving what you do.
They say when you love your job you never work a day in your life.
You never work a night either.
That’s what brought the band of brewers together to make a beer they’re proud to call their own.
Introducing the gold-medal-winning Third Shift Amber Lager.
When beer is your calling you never clock out.-
I do think you accomplished your goal. You sound like you’re talking with someone about something you’ve encountered and really enjoyed. I also get the idea you really know what you’re talking about. Only problem is, you pause in the middle of a sentence three times. Unless there’s a comma or a period in the script, you should generally avoid that. Good job overall though.
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Hello everyone! Had posted this earlier, received some very constructive feedback (Thanks, BrianWiggins!), and thought I’d post again back-to-back to gauge any improvement.
Trying for a fast–yet still clear–delivery. All comments are welcome and appreciated. Thanks for listening!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ELECTRONIC MASKS
“Slice and Dice! With the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles electronic masks, you’ll always be ready to “turtle up”! Take that, Shredder! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles each sold separately by Playmates.”
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The second take was much better. I love how well your voice matches the script and you speak so clearly at such a quick tempo. However, I think you’re not hitting the best words and the tone you’re using during the enunciations should be redone. Also, in the beginning, you sound like your telling the the listener to slice and dice with the product. I don’t think that’s the intent. Still, you’re doing great. Well done!
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Hi Rogue1, sounds great! The second script sounds fast but clear, and with more tone variation than the first read, which is good for this script. I too heard “ta turtle up” as opposed to “to turtle up”, which is something that trips me up quite often as well. Very good!
Mary
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A definite improvement! Slow down to speed up worked well for you. I think it enhanced the energy of the read and that made it more attention grabbing. There was only one enunciation issue; you meant to say “..ready TO turtle up” but it sounded like “..ready ta turtle up.” Good job.
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COORS BEER 30 SEC RADIO
MOST BREWERS HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT BEER AND COLD GO HAND IN HAND.
STILL, WE’RE THE ONLY ONES WHO BOTHER TO SHIP OUR BEER COLD.
IN THE MOUNTAINS, OUR BREW WATER EVEN COMES OUT OF THE GROUND
COLD. SO, WHILE OTHERS HAVE BEEN WARMING UP TO THE IDEA OF COLD, UP HERE,
WE’RE KINDA STUCK WITH IT. COLD, CLEAN, ORIGINAL COORS … CAUSE YA’ FEEL LIKE IT.First State Bank
In today’s world, everyone needs a bank they can rely on. But, unfortunately, most modern banks are just too big to provide the kind of attention and service you need. First State Bank is the exception. At First State, you’ll discover that banking can be personal and friendly, as well as modern and efficient. FIRST STATE BANK. Today’s bank.
John Deere
When you take shortcuts it shows. We don’t run like that. We build John Deere equipment the way we always have. The right way. Times change. Our principles don’t. You don’t just have our word on it. We’ve got our name on it. That’s how we run. John Deere…available at Northwest Tractors, your local John Deere dealer.
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Hi Bil-Bo – excellent work! both in the delivery and production for all 3 scripts. I don’t have my studio set up yet, but the third script sounded a little less “crystal clear” than the other 2 scripts did. All of them have great pacing and enunciation and sound very authentic for your voice. Very good!
Mary
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Hey friends! Would love feedback for new practice audition. Thank you!
When you recycle, your Nespresso doesn’t just taste good… it feels good, too.
When you recycle, your coffee doesn’t just grow on trees…
it can actually help them grow.When you recycle your capsules, the aluminium can take on new lives…
and take you new places…When you recycle, the end of the story is just the beginning.
This is Nespresso. This is recyclable.
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Hi Monibr16, very good! Nice warm tone and I could tell you had a smile in your voice. I like the calmness in your voice and the unhurried pace. Since “recycle” is repeated 5 times, you might try it with a little more variation in tone for each of those 5 times; each phrase essentially acts like one item in a list. Very nice, and I now would like a Nespresso!!
Mary
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