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#62439
Avatarchas82
Participant

Hi Mary
I liked parts of each and maybe a mash-up is the solution. 🙂 Your lead-in for the second made the first line of actual script more energized and enticing. Both ingredient lists were good, containing the requisite changes in pitch to make the entities separate, but I thought the second flowed a little better because the pause at the comma was shorter. “Then” in the next sentence is not the best choice to emphasize; “romano cheese” and “all around” are better candidates and maybe even “sprinkled”. “Crust” in both versions was a little “uptalky”; I think you could make the sentence more impactful by lowering the pitch use3d for “crust”. I agree with the other comments that the overall pace in both could be picked up and the overall flow would also improve if the pauses used at most of the commas were shortened. Would love to hear your next shot at this. All the pieces are there. Chas