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#61692
mkell755mkell755
Participant

Hi Dmendoza, welcome!
I like the tone and pacing of this script for you. It sounded more like it was something you were reading than telling someone about (something I’m working on myself). In the second sentence it sounded more like a question “…for the entire family to enjoy?” vs. “…for the entire family to enjoy.” I agree too that there should be more emphasis on “you make it work” as a final statement for telling someone why they should go to California State Parks. Good job!

Mary