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More Commercial Demo homework…this time, my reads are for Excedrin Migraine, which is supposed to be a super conversational tone, and Dewalt, more of a blue-collar tone. I also included some alternate takes on the tag line in the Dewalt read.
Any feedback on tone, clarity of intention, and pacing would be great. (Note: I tend to rush as a natural cadence, something all of my coaches have told me, and it’s something that we’re trying to work on.)
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Hi Brian!
I like the enthusiasm and tone you brought to each read.
In the Dewalt script, halfway through/near the end, it did sound a little rushed — but as you mentioned, it is something you are working on. I think just a tad slower, and it would be good.
I listened to the tag lines multiple times, and I narrowed it down to the first and second, and finally went with the second. To me, the second one is the tone and delivery that sounds the best for the tag line — you highlight Dewalt, but then close out the read in a bit of a softer and natural tone. Just my thoughts.
I hope this helps!
Kathy
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Hi Brian! Good reads! I feel like the tone and pacing was very good for both reads. I liked the second tag line for Dewalt the best. Both reads were good, and I liked the conversational Dewalt tone a lot. I like how you stretched out “rain”, helped vary up that script and in effect slowed it down a little. Very good!
Mary
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Could use some feedback on this audition…2 takes, 2nd starts at :15…biggest difference is how I’m hitting the first sentence. Brief called for casual but professional, so I was treating this like having a conversation with Sam from Accounting in the break room.
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Hi Brian, second take was much better, I think. Without the script it’s hard to break it down, but listening to the ending it kind of trailed off, if that makes sense? A lot of auditions are not written very well and the brands are relatively unknown so it takes a lot of imagination to create something intriguing. Love to hear more of your character work though,(Joker)!!
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I really like this, Robert! I, too, agree with Mary and Brian about the tone. I also echo that while the tone is good, give it a little more energy.
What stuck out to me, is that I liked how you delivered, and had emphasis, on the first “fresh”, “waves”, and “sea” at the end of the sentences.
I don’t know what the script had, but it sounded like there was too long of a pause between “Wind Drift” and “does that too you.” I think you were trying to billboard and highlight Wind Drift, since it is the product you are selling. If you take out the pause, it would flow in that part of the script better. After that, the pauses work, to me anyway, because that is the tag line.
I hope this helps!
Kathy
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Hi Robert, good read! Very calming and soothing, as Brian mentioned. It sounds little bit muffled on my end, but I don’t yet have a full recording setup, so this is just an observation. Very good!
Mary
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I really love your tone, it’s very natural and calming; it has a great flow to it. That said, give more energy! Figure out which are the important words to hit, and make sure that they get the attention that the deserve. You don’t need to crank it to 11, especially with this read, but I would say give it a little more.
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Stella Artois Beer
Of course Stella Artois tastes better than other beers. We’ve had over 600 years to get the recipe right. Since 1366 Stella Artois has been painstakingly brewed in a time honored tradition using the choicest ingredients which is why our customers have kept coming back for more even after 600 years. Stella Artois. Perfection has it’s price.
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Hi Robert, good read! I read this one awhile back and I really like hearing the same read by different people. Good pacing and tone throughout. Very good!
Mary
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Robert, I like this read it has passion to it! I agree with the pauses but you could edit those pretty easily. Great work and now I’m gonna go get a “Stella Artois”!
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Your pacing was good. The third sentence was a bit of run on sentence, and it sounded better with some built in pauses. I know this is practice, however, just be mindful for an audition when it isn’t called for.
Kathy
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Hi everyone!
Here is a Documentary/eLearning/Internet Audio script (not from the library), that I put together for practice.
All feedback is appreciated.
Thanks, Kathy
Snowy Owls
Unlike many other owls, Snowy owls are not nocturnal, and can be seen hunting any time of the day or night. Consider yourself lucky if you spot one though, because these owls tend to inhabit places where humans don’t live.
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Hi Kathy! Good job! I liked this read. The pace and clarity were good, but it did not flow as well as many I have heard from you, not sure how to pinpoint that. I heard an extra “at” after “hunting”. “Hunting” sounded more like “hunning” to me too, but I think it might sound unnatural if you over-enunciated it. Keep it up!
Mary
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OK, so to kind of echo what Robert said, this really sound “read”. There were a lot of glottal stops and pauses that took the flow out of it, possibly from either over-enunciating words or trying to put too much emphasis on them. (I get called on this by my coaches on a regular basis, putting in pauses at places that don’t need them.)
In a few places, specifically “hunting” (sounded like “hunning”) and “consider” (sounded like “consinner”), the words were under-enunciated.
1) Try to make the read flow without the pauses and stops. (Don’t put commas in where there aren’t any, like between “day or night”.)
2) Who is this being read to? Why are you saying these words? Finding the intention will definitely help with the performance. (Believe me, I struggle with this constantly, it’s not easy, bu keep working at it!) -
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Hello Folks! The following are three Narration Homework Scripts: #1. Corporate Explainer – AIG, #2. Documentary – About Horror and #3. E Learning – Space Game.
#1. Narration Corporate Explainer – AIG
The Greatest Risk Is Not Taking One. They gave up everything. Their families. Their friends. Their homes. The villages they were born in. They arrived with only the clothes on their backs. Vulnerable. Scared. But brimming with hope and determined that a better life was within their grasp. Today, risk takers don’t have to go after their dreams alone. They can rely on a business partner to help them through uncharted waters. An organization with unsurpassed insight and financial resources. One with the ability and flexibility to design specific solutions to help minimize risk for almost any business undertaking. So the next time you decide to venture into new territory for an idea you believe in, call AIG. We’re best equipped to help you manage the uncertainties that go along with the pursuit of hopes and dreams.
#2. Narration Documentary – ABOUT HORROR
Take a trip back to a time when late night creature features were all the rage and the personalities that presented them were just as popular as the movies.
Beginning in the 1950s, the horror fest was a staple of regional television. From ghouls to vampires – to werewolves and crypt keepers – every host had a persona to suit their unique personalities.
#3. Narration E-Learning – CHILDREN’S EDUCATIONAL SPACE GAME
Today we’re going to explore all of the planets in our solar system and some other places as well. We’ll travel into the future when astronauts live throughout the solar system. On each world we’ll see what the weather is like, what we would wear, and what we would do to have fun! Grab your oxygen, put on your seatbelt, and let’s blast off!
Thanks in advance for any input!-
Hi GJS, great reads! Your voice is really nice, warm, and rich and seems really well-suited for these commercials. Really nice clarity and pacing for all 3.
Script 1: Good read but maybe a tiny bit slow overall
Script 2: I like this one the best, and I liked the variation in the characters (ghouls, vampires, etc.). This sounded really authentic for you
Script 3: This was good, with good variation in the lists and having a ton that would appeal to kids.Overall really good!
Mary
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Love the gravitas of your voice. I’m envious.
#1…I’m not sure of the intention here. There is a vivid word picture being painted here, but I’m not sure it’s coming through. Your delivery is good, I get the idea that this is supposed to be big and momentous, but I’m not sure why. May just need a little polish on the intention.
#2 was, by far, my favorite, especially when you hit your stride in the second sentence…that’s fun! If there’s a way to bring that same level of interest in the first sentence, man, you’ll have knocked this one out of the part.
#3 was nice to listen to, and it definitely sounded like you were playing to children, so right on, but I almost want to hear more of a sense of wonder about this. This is some cool stuff you’re talking about, especially with what we now know and what is possibly going to happen within our (or the kids that are hearing this) lifetimes.
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Hi! I think you have a very charming, warm and inviting voice. I think your enthusiasm in the kids eLearning was very sweet. One thing i noticed throughout was very careful pacing. To make it sound more natural and conversational you can pick up the pace. Note how you speak in conversations with people, we don’t carefully pace what we are saying. It might help if you have your specific listener in mind and imagine you are speaking with them in a conversation. Great work! 🙂
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Thanks Katelyndawnny for the excellent feedback! I absolutely hear what you are saying about the pacing. I have other takes that are both, quicker and more casual. I kept going back to these takes thinking the others were flat. I need to find a middle ground with pacing; I’m either a bit to fast, or in this case, overly cautious. Much appreciated!
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I enjoy doing narration of fiction, stories etc. I did this one last year and added some effects this time!
Merry Christmas to all!THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Clement Clarke Moore
or Henry Livingston‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and V***n!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”
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Hi RYoung, I missed this the other day. Great reading! I echo was others have said in that some of the words were not exact to the script, “Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,” was “Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap” for example and some of the lines sounded more like questions than statements, but you have a very good voice for this genre and it sounded really good overall.
This is one of those scripts that you have to get exactly right in my opinion because many of us have known it by heart for MANY years. Kind of like a Beatles song – do not attempt unless you are a master singer, or risk being criticized more so than typical 🙂 Thanks for posting!
Mary
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Thanks everyone for your nice comments and words. In regard to inflecting upward it’s more of a higher pitch to the last word in the sentence than a question mark LOL. It can also be relative whereas in the middle of a sentence your pitch may go high and relatively the last word is lower in pitch than the highest sounding word in the sentence, however it’s not necessarily a question. It can get monotone sounding if you’re even or lower in pitch on all your ending words if that makes sense.
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Wow, awesome job on this long read, R! Your voice is perfect for this kind of script!
I echo what others have said. My feedback is that I noticed you changed a line, left out, or flipped a word with some lines.
These are the ones I noticed.
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap, — (you said “had just settled our brains”)
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, — (left out “dry”)
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, — (you flipped the words, and said, “in all”)
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow; — (you said “on”)
He had a broad face and a little round belly, … (you flipped the words, and said, “round little”) -
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Very nice work with your sound effects and read! Overall I think this suits you very nicely. Be conscious of your inflection on the ends of your sentences going up like a question mark, for a few examples these lines ended with an inflection going up like a question:
“In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there?”
“Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below?”
“And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name?”
I think you did really well on this, nice work! 🙂 You should send it to all the kids you know for Christmas! -
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Back for some practice for my commercial demo! Feedback is much appreciated, thanks!
Sprout Computer from HP
Hands have always done amazing things. They can bring imagination to life, save a life, and change the world. We believe all hands can do something extraordinary, and we can’t wait to see what you’ll do with yours. Roll up your sleeves and create like never before on Sprout, the new touchscreen desktop from HP. -
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Trying something a little different.
Dear G*d, So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty, or selfish. But in a few minutes, G*d, I’m going to get out of bed and that is when I’m going to need a lot of help. Amen
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Hi Robert!
Good read! Did you intend to stutter on the second “I” in your second sentence? It had a nice effect. I also noticed in the last sentence you said “that’s” as opposed to “that is“. However, while I think it had a more natural feel to the read, be mindful not to change the script for an audition. Minor detail.
— Kathy
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