Feedback Forum
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Hi! Upload your recordings, and get feedback from your peers!
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Hi all. This time I’m trying an audiobook format. This is an excerpt from Jack London’s turn of the century (1902) short story, To Build A Fire. Feedback very much appreciated. It’s been very helpful!! Thank you!
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I especially like your performance up to “…there must be no failure.” He is in a grave predicament and he’s trying to stay calm as he meticulously builds the fire. You convey this really well. The gravity of the situation becomes more clear as you go on with, “When it is seventy-five below zero, a man must not…to build a fire” but I think your inflection is off on this line. It is the main clause but you deliver it like you would a subordinate clause, and so loses the impact on the reader. If he doesn’t successfully start this fire, he will freeze to death. What could be more sobering than that! You get back to the original tone after this and it’s sooo good. Great pacing, by the way. You allow the images to form in the reader’s mind. Thanks for sharing. Bill A.
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Here’s the copy for the Jack London excerpt:
To Build a Fire – Excerpt 2
He worked slowly and carefully, keenly aware of his danger. Gradually, as the flame grew stronger, he increased the size of the twigs with which he fed it. He squatted in the snow, pulling the twigs out from their entanglement in the brush and feeding directly to the flame. He knew there must be no failure. When it is seventy- five below zero, a man must not fail in his first attempt to build a fire–that is, if his feet are wet. If his feet are dry, and he fails, he can run along the trail for half a mile and restore his circulation. But the circulation of wet and freezing feet cannot be restored by running when it is seventy-five below. No matter how fast he runs, the wet feet will freeze the harder.
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Hi folks! Here is an audition I submitted for a cookbook audiobook. I was trying to give two reads – the first one more relaxed and the second more upbeat. They were going for a cheerful and informative read. Any feedback is appreciated! I always struggle to come up with 2 reads that are varied from each other.
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Hi, Katelyn. The main difference I noticed was a bit more smile in the second version. You wouldn’t need to sustain that for the entire cookbook, really. It’s a great attention-getting tone for the introduction of a new chapter, section, or recipe though. One way to come up with two different reads is to change the emphasis from one key word to a different one. For example, in the first line, you emphasized “intimidating” in both reads. You could keep this emphasis in one read but in the other place the emphasis on “seems.” By emphasizing “seems,” you convey a different meaning: it’s not really intimidating; it only seems to be. You can alter the emphasis in a few other places as well and your second read will be quite different. After all, how can we be completely sure where the emphasis should always fall, unless the script writer underlines such words? More importantly, you want to show that you can, with just a few subtle changes, deliver options to the producer. Perhaps one of you reads, though not what they originally imagined, will be the one they want! Good luck. Bill A.
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Hi Katelyn, I liked both reads, and you can tell the difference which read is informative and which read is upbeat and cheerful. I like the second read better. Cooking is a fun activity which involves food, which we all love. I think a happy/cheerful tone is better suited for the copy. But the audition is for a cookbook in which a constant cheerful read will be hard to maintain, although I’m not certain because i’m still a beginner. Also the recording quality and pace of both reads are very good. Great job.
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Hi all! Here are 2 takes on the same recording. Do you like one better than the other? One has a lead-in (which seems to help me) and one does not. Let me know what you think. Thank you!!
Mary
Domino’s Pesto Crust
Only from Domino’s, new pesto crust pizza. Sweet basil, parsley and garlic, baked right into the dough. Then sprinkled with romano cheese all around the crust. Call and get a large, one topping, just 9.99. Get the door…it’s Dominos.
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Hi Mary
I liked parts of each and maybe a mash-up is the solution. 🙂 Your lead-in for the second made the first line of actual script more energized and enticing. Both ingredient lists were good, containing the requisite changes in pitch to make the entities separate, but I thought the second flowed a little better because the pause at the comma was shorter. “Then” in the next sentence is not the best choice to emphasize; “romano cheese” and “all around” are better candidates and maybe even “sprinkled”. “Crust” in both versions was a little “uptalky”; I think you could make the sentence more impactful by lowering the pitch use3d for “crust”. I agree with the other comments that the overall pace in both could be picked up and the overall flow would also improve if the pauses used at most of the commas were shortened. Would love to hear your next shot at this. All the pieces are there. Chas-
Hi Chas, thanks for the feedback! Lead-ins always help me get to the intended idea / mood faster, so that’s good to hear. I will try again without “then” emphasized – not sure why that happened, actually. I will work on less uptalk and a quicker pace for this one and see where it goes, and also less on the pauses. Thanks again!
Mary
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This is a difficult read! I think you captured it much better in the first read, with a better list reading (basil, parsley, garlic). I also think the tempo could be quicker. Imagine this as a :15 spot…that’s a lot of speeding up, but how would it sound then? Would love to hear. 🙂
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Hi Mary. I like the first one better. In the second one, the inflection on “one topping” seems off, and the “Dominooooos” does something funny at the end. 🙂 On both of them, I don’t think “Then” should be emphasized. Pick one of the higher impact words instead? Overall, I find high energy and wide tonal variation challenging, so I’m not one to comment, however I think that’s what this Domino’s script is looking for. I think you could be even more upbeat, increase the tempo some and pause less at the commas, and really convey the idea of someone dying to dig into one of these pizzas! I hope this helps.
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Hey there once again! Uploading some reads for homework. Doing my commercial demo at the end of February. I appreciate any and all comments! Here is one for Allstate. Last one!
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Okay so I just want to put this out there that myself as well as many others I know hate dealing with or changing insurance companies, but this read with how calming your voice is makes me feel more comfortable in wanting to learn more about all state. I do feel that your pacing was nice to start with but slowed down half way through. I felt also that it picked up near the end again. Very nicely done! 9/10
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Hi docr15. I listened to all 3 of your posts. First, great voice quality overall. Easy to listen to. Of the 3, this is my favorite. I’m not certain why, however I think your energy level is higher on this one and so it came across more clearly. Perhaps for the more laid back food commercials, keep the same tone you had, but don’t lose the energy that you have in this insurance read. Great work! Good luck with the demo!
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Hi Docr15, really nice work! It sounds nice and casual and trustworthy, which is great for this script. I don’t have much to critique here. Very good!
Mary
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Loving the rich baritone, docr15. Some comments: Lost the ‘t’ in ‘most’ and ‘costs’, sounding like ‘mose’ and ‘cose’. As with my comment in Butterball, not sure why the emphasis on the word ‘you’. I feel “…coverage you need” and “for a price you can afford” should be more attached. The latter seems like a second thought. Otherwise, you’re doing great. I’m sure your demo will be super. Good luck!
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Hey there again! Uploading another read for homework. Doing my commercial demo at the end of February. I appreciate any and all comments! Here is one for Butterball Turkey. I’m getting hungry!
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Hi Docr15, good work! I like this read for you, sounds warm and relaxed with good pacing throughout. I think too that emphasizing “Happy Thanksgrilling” could make the script have a little more humor in it at the end, like you are inventing a new holiday by grilling in the summer or something and you are cracking yourself up about taking about it, just a small suggestion. Very good read!
Mary
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Another nice read. Some comments. The choice to emphasize ‘you’ in “Butterball brings YOU the joys of Turkey day” feels odd. I feel like you can play more with the unexpected twist of what seems to be a traditional holiday message turning to the cool novelty of grilling in the summer. A bit more amazement on “surprisingly juicy”, as if you were surprised yourself. Basically, a little more of a “wink” to the listener. The voice is great. Like butter. 🙂 Just have more fun with the text.
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Hey there! Uploading some reads for homework. Doing my commercial demo at the end of February. I appreciate any and all comments! This one is for a Popeye’s Chicken commercial.
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Hi Docr15, good read! Your laid back tone and vibe of voice is good for this genre. I think you had the start of an accent at the beginning of the read and you could lean in to the Cajun accent throughout the script a little more for more believability. I heard “come on” instead of “come along”, until the third time, so I would say that word just sounded smushed / shortened a bit. You could try experimenting with stretching out “along” which would go with the accent too. Good work!
Mary
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Great voice. I like the down home welcoming sound. The vibe is right, but the energy doesn’t yet match the Popeye’s brand. (Unless you and your coach are working on a more laid back sound.) ‘Come along’ was hard for me to understand. Some mouth noise on New Orleans and elsewhere but otherwise the sound quality was good.
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Steve – I liked the first more than the second. It contained more key words being emphasized; better pitch variation and good fluidity. The friendly persona helped to create a much more conversational, more personal message, much easier for this listener to connect with. The “tough” attitude in the second seemed to me to be achieved by the use of a number of monotonal phrases. This made it the second a presentation, unlike the first that was telling an interesting story. Good work ! Chas
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Hi all – as I buckle in for the approaching nor’easter, I would appreciate all feedback on my latest practice food commercial.
Thanks, ChasOnly Pizza Hut gives you sixteen mozzarella bites on a large pizza!
See kids? Dreams do come true!
The ultimate 2 for 1!
The mozzarella poppers pizza!
Hurry and try it before it’s gone!-
Hi chas82. Your voice is great for this! Love the enthusiasm and energy. Great vocal quality. If I am being picky, I heard what came across as minor hesitations before certain words. It may have been which words you chose to emphasize that caused that. Also, pronunciation of the word “large” sounded a little off. Really good!
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Boom! Love your voice! Made me sit up and pay attention. Liked the playfulness with the kids line. Keep exploring that more. Couple of items. Numbers in scripts are importance, so emphasize sixteen. Emphasize does not necessarily mean punch. It means find a reason and a way to make ‘sixteen’ an important point. “Before” does not feel like the right word to emphasize in the last line. Try ways to make this feel like a more urgent call to action. Digging the overall energy. Stay safe, stay warm.
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Hi Steve, really nice! Your voice is very welcoming and reassuring to the listener. You did a good job of painting a picture of the house, and I could imagine this script with the images of the house shown on TV in the background. Very good genre for you! It sounded conversational and approachable.
Mary
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Hey there! Would love some critique on this attempt:
How do you win at business? Stay at La Quinta, where we’re changing with stylish makeovers. Then, at your next meeting, set your seat height to its maximum level. Bravo, tall meeting man! Start winning today; book now at LQ.com.-
Hi Mitch! Nice read. On the recording quality, I think I hear some hollowness, or a slight echo. Maybe some more sound dampening needed where you are recording? Also, I would shorten or remove the pause after “Then”. Good work!
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Hi Mitch, really good job! I liked your energy and enthusiasm for the La Quinta brand. It was humorous and I could hear the smile in your voice. I especially liked “Bravo, tall meeting man!” which made me chuckle, and I could visualize what the TV ad would look like with the one guy sitting taller than everyone else in the room and probably only him noticing it. I like it!
Mary
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Mitch – Nice tempo and pitch. You created energy and got my interest right away. Very good enunciation and a good choice of words and phrases to emphasize. The only change I think would benefit this is more emphasis and a little higher pitch on the “maximum” and less on “level” at end the third sentence so it is not ending with uptalk. It broke up the excellent flow you had going just ahead of the big close.
Overall, very well done sir!
Chas -
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