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Hi! Upload your recordings, and get feedback from your peers!
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Next is my second of three homework reads in prep for my commercial demo session next week. I appreciate comments of any kind!
Gameboy
“It’s not just another mind-numbing family road trip to Grandma’s. It’s a tongue-biting, seat-wetting ride with GAME BOY ADVANCED ! Now with wider screen, enhanced graphics, and multi-player options. Game boy…ride with it.”-
Hi Docr15, really good! I think you could really lean into and have fun with this one, and emphasize “GAME BOY ADVANCED!” like your hair is on fire, I mean really get excited!!!! I agree too that some of the listed items could be a little more varied in tone – you are trying to convince grade and middle school kids and are trying to get their attention – you have permission to cut loose! 🙂
Mary
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Happy Saturday! Recording my commercial demo next week. I am posting some practice script reads for homework. I always appreciate any and all comments.
First one is on Invisalign:
“Your smile says a lot about you. If you let it. When you’re uncomfortable about your teeth, it’s easy to hold back your smile. Invisalign’s advanced technology now lets you straighten your teeth invisibly – so you can express yourself fully. And because they’re invisible, no one has to know about it. Hundreds of thousands of people already have discovered Invisalign. Maybe it’s time you were one of them.”
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Hey everyone, here is a biography narration for Beyonce! It is similar to the T Swift biography going on my narration demo. Just working on similar scripts for practice. ALl feedback is appreciated.
Beyoncé Knowles is a founding member and chief songwriter of Destiny’s Child, one of the biggest selling female acts of all time. With many of the group’s***t songs co-written and co-produced by Beyoncé, Destiny’s Child has sold more than 33 million records worldwide. When Beyoncé won the 2001 ASCAP Pop Songwriter Of The Year Award, she became the first African-American woman — and the second woman ever — to receive that honor.
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Hi Katelyn, really nice! Your voice sounds really good for this and the script flows nicely. You might consider spelling out the award letters ” A – S – C – A – P” instead of making it into a word (ASCAP). Maybe that’s how they announce the winners when they award them, as in “and the GRAMMY goes to…” I love pop music but am out of the loop for this award, so I could be wrong on that, just a suggestion. Really solid work!
Mary
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Katelyn, this is great. Your voice is very clear and lovely to listen to. You have a nice youthful quality. You applied just the right amount of billboarding to the opening ‘Beyonce Knowles’. Your admiration and, in some places, awe of Beyonce comes through nicely, especially in the last line talking about her ASCAP honor. Nothing much technical to mention. “She became the first” felt a little rushed, but the words were clear to me. One thing to pay attention to: listening just to pitch and tempo, there is a repeated melody pattern that occurs with the start of each sentence. This can take away from a conversational quality if that is something you’re going for. Nonetheless, well done, Katelyn.
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Here’s a practice script I tried. Thanks for any feedback!
Like many other philosophers, who greatly extended our knowledge of nature, Galileo had a remarkable aptitude for the invention of instruments designed for philosophical research. To facilitate his practical work, we find that in 1599, he had engaged a skilled workman, who was to live in his house, and be constantly at hand to try the devices, which were forever springing from Galileo’s fertile brain.
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Hi Tina. Great read. Your words were clear and diction was good. There was one section that sounded muddled which was pointed out above (“to try”). There is also emphasis on “designed” that stood out among that sentence. The pace is a bit slow for me but I am one of those people who speeds up playback on videos. Nice voice and good work. Best, Kristen
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Hi Tina, very good read! I liked the clarity and pacing and tone for the script. “at hand to try the devices” sounded like “at hand t’ try the devices” the “to” sounded like “t'”. I smush my to’s and for’s also, which is why I tend to notice them. I too heard a bit of a pause or noise of some sort right before “…Galileo’s fertile brain.” Overall really good! These are little things. Good job!
Mary
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Hey Tina, really nice work on this script, I love your voice for this copy. I think you could have paced this a bit quicker as it would make it sound more conversational, particularly the sentence “Galileo had a remarkable aptitude for the invention of instruments designed for philosophical research” I think there was too much attention given to each word here and it sounded like you were reading. Between the words “springing from” there was a but of a glottal stop or pause that took me out from what you were saying, so I think if you smooth that out it would be even better. Really nice work Tina!
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Some contrast for affected delivery vs. conversational. Thanks for listening and let me know what you think!
D***y Harry
I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?-
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Hey RYoung,
What a great script! Love it for your voice. I think that in both deliveries, a read with fewer breaks would be helpful in keeping the drama. For example, the two descriptive phrases about the .44 Magnum really are extraneous verbiage…it’s just some filler until you get to, “You’ve got to ask yourself…” It’s fantastic that you have 3 questions in this short excerpt. It’s really packed with a lot of punch. Especially the fact that you get to speak so directly to the listener/or is the listener a character in the story? This is perfect for you! So great to get to hear you in this. -
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Practicing
Smooth Gambler
I understand. Being upset if I have lost as many hands as you, I’d be furious. But you need to understand, you can lose more than your money son. Now put the gun down and keep playing, or leave while you still have a chance.-
Hi Robert, good read! This one is hard to critique for me because I’m trying to imagine the intent of the script, but other than practicing a character voice, it does not seem to be advertising a product. If that’s the case, I think you could really lean into and emphasize key words more like “furious” and “put the gun down” Your voice is good for the script, keep it up!
Mary
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Seems to me the copy has punctuation errors, and if this came from the script library, it probably does. I’ve done some copy editing and you might have fun re-reading it with the mistakes corrected.
I understand being upset. If I’d have lost as many hands as you, I’d be furious. But you need to understand, you can lose more than your money son. Now put the gun down and keep playing, or leave while you still have a chance.Also, have fun with the key words at play: understand (I vs You need to), lose more, put gun down, or leave.
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Hi Robert your delivery seem to start out okay with I understand it even was slurred to give a natural effect however after that it seemed more like a read and somewhat disjointed. I know we I’ll get caught up in trying to put out our best performance but in this case I would just relax more and let it flow more conversationally than trying to imitate the cowboy gambler. All throw up my d***y hairy one as an example. I did enjoy your Chevy truck commercial down below it sounded much more authentic hope that helps and thanks for sharing those!
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Trying this out for practice this evening. A appreciate any feedback.
Chevy Silverado Trail Boss
The Chevy Silverado Trail Boss
When you have a two inch lift…
When you have Goodyear Duratrack tires…
When you have Rancho shocks…and an integrated dual exhaust…
When you have all that…
The last thing you’ll need…is a road…
The Chevy Silverado Trail Boss…
Ready to off-road…right from the factory.
Chevy….find new roads…-
Hi Robert, good read! Your voice is very well-suited for this script, very good fit and natural. There were lots of statements with pauses and the pacing was really good too. Good music too. I think the “The last thing you’ll need…is a road…” line could be delivered with just a little more attitude, like maybe you imagine “this truck is so great that it can drive ANYWHERE, and you NEED one!” in your head as you are saying it. Very good read!
Mary
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You have a great voice for this read. My first suggestion is to visualize the different car parts that you are speaking about and pretend that you are showing them to somebody and maybe running your hand along them, just to connect more with each individual part. The second suggestion is to notice the way you say “The last thing you’ll need” because the way it sounds right now to me is as if it’s a hassle and the last thing you need is a hassle, instead of a list that is finishing off with “The last thing you need is the road”. More like anticipatory excitement rather than something that comes off as a headache. I hope that makes sense.
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Hi everyone here are 2 reads for any and all feedback. Let me know what you think! Working to get sound levels right. This is my first time to add music (fun!)
Mary
Documentary on Jazz
It is America’s music. It is an improvised Art, making itself up as it goes along. It rewards individual expression. But demands selfless collaboration. It is forever changing. But nearly always rooted in the blues. It has a rich tradition and its own rules. But it is brand new every night.Fats Waller
Thomas “Fats” Waller began his jazz career early, learned fast, rose quickly, lived hard, and died young. A child prodigy who was playing piano at age six, his life was a furious burst of energy –and it was all reflected in his music. Welcome to the world of Fats Waller: Joe Louis, Legs Diamond, George Gershwin –he knew them all; Harlem, Hollywood, Paris, London –he saw it all; S*x, fame, success, money –he had it all. His incredible gusto made him one of a kind. Fats was a giant, and he might just live, through his music, forever.-
Hey Mary, nice work! I will make notes on the second piece. I think this one was really well done. There were a couple things that popped out to me:
on six at “age six” your inflection was in an upspeak so if you are ending a sentence or phrase with an upspeak it sounds like you are asking a question or are unsure of what you are saying. So since this is a statement I would suggest not using upspeak there. I also thing there are more commas in this script than are needed. Sometimes you have to let go of certain commas otherwise it will just sound more choppy. Pausing between ideas instead of abiding by every comma will sound more natural. But really nice work! I could tell this is a topic that you really enjoy, way to go!-
Thanks for the feedback Katelyn! I’m working on upspeak, for some reason it is a hard habit to break for me. There were a lot of commas in this; I will work on stringing the phrases together a little better to smooth it out. Yes, as a long-time piano student, this script and the character were interesting to me – definitely a personal interest! Thanks again,
Mary
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Hi Mary,
Great job with the music! I think on the first piece you could probably let it breather a little bit more. Even a cool thing to think about would be to insert some cool jazz in between the talking, like when you say “it is an improvised art” it would be cool to hear a small improvised trill from a sax, or skat or something. I totally pictured you reading this on that Sunday morning news show. I think it’s CBD sunday morning. 🙂
My suggestion for your second piece on Fats Waller is to go through the script and pick words that you want to emphasize. There are so many good adjectives, and descriptors in this piece and I feel like you can punch it up more and add a little bit more intrigue to the read. Hope this helps! Also a lot of moments that you could add music to emphasize what you are saying such as “furious burst of energy”. Overall, great reads and I think just adding a few touches to them to ignite them will totally make them epic.
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Thanks for the feedback Tina! Yes I can see stretching out the first piece a little more with more pauses in between thoughts, it’s definitely a contemplative piece. On the music, this was my first time to add a music track, but other that cutting a pasting parts of it, don’t know how to edit at this point. I like the idea of a well-timed solo as a backdrop to that script, especially after “improvised art” or “it is different every night”. For the Fats Waller piece I will try punching up phrases even a little more to keep the interest. Thanks again!
Mary
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Mary, those were nice. Good selection of background music. Good for topics and your voice. Good work!!
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