[David Goldberg]

Hi! Upload your recordings, and get feedback from your peers!

• This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by David Goldberg.
• This topic was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by David Goldberg.
• This topic was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by David Goldberg.
• This topic was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by David Goldberg.
• This topic was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by David Goldberg.
• This topic was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by David Goldberg.

Topic

[chas82]

Hi All – Here’s two more Commercial practice scripts as I work toward preparing for my demo next month. I chose the Sesame Place script because I wanted expand into more upbeat, family-focused reads. The AMEX script is going back to where I perceive my strengths to be. All constructive criticism welcomed. Chas

Sesame Place is the theme park where Sesame Street comes to life! New in 2018 is our biggest, most exciting roller coaster ever – Oscar’s Wacky Taxi™! Bring the entire family to whirl on rides, splash down slides and hug everyone’s favorite furry friends. So before little kids become big kids, bring them to meet their Sesame Street friends at Sesame Place® theme park!

We are helping put instruments back in the hands of kids. Why? Studies indicate kids who learn music excel at reading, science and math. But Budget cuts are eliminating music programs. So, join blue from American Express to help put music back in the hands of kids!

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[TimDKietzman]

Your voice is magnificent for the second one. You sound serious, formal, and business-like, which I’m sure is what the client would be looking for. The first one was good too, lively and inviting, although I think when you performed the list, it sounded as if you were losing interest… Lists need to be read as statements while still sounding invested. Both takes were great all in all, good luck.

[chas82]

Thanks Mary. I appreciate the feedback

[mkell755]

Hi Chas, good work! I liked both of these for you. The first one had a nice playful vibe and energy to it, and the second one had a good call to action feel to it. Very good!

Mary

[Akingsley19]

Hello Everyone,
I kind of kept pushing off doing this, but I’m happy to finally put stuff out here on this forum. I did a made-up banking commercial for this one.

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[jasjol71]

I like your voice. I agree with some of the earlier comments about it sounding a bit choppy, but I thought it got more and more natural as it progressed. One small thing about making it sound more natural/conversational: maybe make “we are” the contraction “we’re” — might help smooth it out!

[John Trape]

Hi Akingsley,

I really enjoyed your read. As I listened to your recording, I found myself following the narrator into the bank while everyday banking was going on all around. Picking up on Mary’s feedback above, actually imagining myself inside a branch of that bank would make it much easier for me to really bring out the natural, conversational tone that I might want.

Thank you for sharing your reading.

Regards,

John

[mkell755]

Hi Akingsley! Nice work. This sounded a little disconnected / choppy to me, and with some longer pauses between phrases and after commas than needed. You might try it again and still emphasize key words like you were doing, just try to make it flow a little smoother, like how you tell a friend about it, more relaxed. I hope that makes sense. Keep it up!

Mary

[artyom123]

I agree with the others, another thing I heard is some jaw tension. Practice once with over exaggerating how much you lower your jaw when reading, then find a happy medium. I hope that helps.

[aylinsings]

Hi. I like this material! I think you need to focus more on building the story aspect of it. You had the beginning, but started losing me in the middle. It was just a bit low energy and a little rehearsed. Try to make that part sound a bit more conversational and bright. At the end of the day, you want us to bank there. Great first take though!

[SuperLuke]

I agree. I listened to this twice. You started out on an okay note, then it sounded more like you were trying to read us the copy rather than perform it as a commercial. I think if you perform the commercial with more energy, speed, and enthusiasm, this could become a better performance that will grip and hold your listener’s attention.
hope this was helpful
-SL

[aylinsings]

Hi All,

These clips were my homework from this week. I am working on Commercials. Thank you in advanced for any feedback!

Best,
Aylin

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[chas82]

Aylin
You have a great voice for this genre! I thought you did a very good job achieving conversational and authentic, especially in the Dryer and the Crest scripts.

Tempo and pitch were also good throughout although the Johnsons script sounded a bit choppy to me. (e.g., .04 – routine, .07 – like a team, .12 – lotions, .17 – you). However, without seeing the script, I couldn’t tell which pauses were due to punctuation – it helps if you include a copy of the script in your submission.

Nice work!

Chas

[aylinsings]

Thank you so much for the feedback, Chas! I will totally take that into consideration when I do this one again!

Aylin

[John Trape]

Hi Aylin,

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed listening to your reads and appreciating the personal touch that you gave to each one. I felt that you genuinely believed in the value of each of the products that you were promoting. Further, you enunciate so clearly. Having said that, I did feel that the ‘t’ sound was slightly suppressed in “it” (“the best in it” 0.08 secs); “White” (“with Crest 3D White 0.09 secs); and “Crest” (“Crest. Healthy, beautiful,… 0.14 secs) in the third recording, but maybe that is me just being picky and not knowing what I am talking about.

Thank you again for sharing.

Regards,

John

[aylinsings]

John, thank you so much for your feedback! I definitely need to work on those T’s. Now that i’m listening to it again, I think you may be right!

[SuperLuke]

Hi Aylin,
All three reads were well performed. I feel like you can do much better by making the 3 commercials sound more different from each other.

[John Trape]

Hello everyone,

I am putting up these narration recordings, part of my homework assignment, and would very much appreciate your feedback.

Regards,

John

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[aylinsings]

John, these are wonderful! You have a beautiful tone. I appreciate your use of vocal range, it definitely kept me engaged. Great work.

[John Trape]

Hi Aylin,

Thank you very much for your encouraging feedback! It means a lot. My apologies for this delayed acknowledgement.

Regards,

John

[SuperLuke]

John, Very nice energy in your performances of the narratives. I like the Sherlock Holmes feel you give as far as your voice and accent for all 3 recordings

[John Trape]

Hi SuperLuke,

Thank you very much for the supportive feedback.

Yes, I have been trying to concentrate on tone and energy, to name but a few, without running short of breath, but it is all great fun.

Regards,

John

[Akingsley19]

I love your voice! It feels suited to this reading and more! I love the delivery of facts and information and felt entertained. The only thing I can say beyond good things is that it felt like you were not very interested in the source material. Keep up the good work!

[John Trape]

Hi Akingsley,

Thank you very much for your positive and constructive feedback. My coach zeroed in on your observation re interest in the source material, and knew exactly what you meant. He is getting me to really focus on visualizing what is going on in a script, such that I can bring life to the words, thereby better interpreting a passage.

So, thank you again for your feedback,

Regards,

John

[darleneharris]

Hello Everyone!

I’m just getting started and am working on narration. I appreciate any feedback you may have on the following scripts!

Thanks!
Darlene

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[darleneharris]

Sorry, please use these instead! I tried to edit my original post and it didn’t take.

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[chas82]

Darlene – as a general guideline for future submissions, it is very helpful to post the script. I’ll limit these comments to “Hawaii” –I think you chose a very challenging script and I admire your guts to take this on. Generally speaking, I think it would have benefitted from adding energy and emotion throughout to make this a more engaging, informative experience. It felt like you were “just” reading a script and I wasn’t especially moved to travel there to share the experiences you were describing. The first two sentences sounded monotonal – varying tempo and pitch along with choosing some key words and/or phrases for emphasis can create more colorful, exciting mental images. The long list in the middle of your script was a bear ! Lists of 3-4 items can be a little tough; the list of seven attributes in the middle of this script is a Herculean task. Each element in a list like this is best articulated with a unique combination of tone, pitch and maybe a tempo tweak to distinguish them one from another.

You mentioned you were just getting started – I think you will be very happy with the results if you incorporate this script into a future lesson with your coach. Chas

[darleneharris]

Thanks for the feedback Chas! This is very helpful!

[katelyndawnvo]

Hi everyone! Here is a kid’s eLearning practice read. so much fun! Any feedback is appreciated 🙂

Katelyn

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[chas82]

Katelyn – Very nice read ! While I agree that the last sentence could have used a little energy tweak, the conversational approach to the end-to-end read was well done and the list of three, on-planet activities was on-point with the varying pitch and tone decisions you made. And….I didn’t hear even one accidental glottal stop 
Keep up the good work – Chas

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by chas82.

[aylinsings]

You have such a great voice! I love your tone! The only thing I noticed would be the last line. I think you can make that more exciting for sure. just have fun with it!

[artyom123]

very nice read, very friendly and engaging. my only suggestions would be to do everything the same but take it to a higher level.. more enthusiasm and vocal range and amazement.. and “LETS BLAST OFF” I hope that helps

[TimDKietzman]

Hey everyone. I’ve been mainly uploading commercials so I wanted to see how I did with an Audiobook script. Does my performance keep you hooked? Does my reading wind up dry anywhere? Do I have a good recording environment? Any comments are appreciated.

To Build a Fire
He worked slowly and carefully, keenly aware of his danger. Gradually, as the flame grew stronger, he increased the size of the twigs with which he fed it. He squatted in the snow, pulling the twigs out from their entanglement in the brush and feeding directly to the flame. He knew there must be no failure. When it is seventy- five below zero, a man must not fail in his first attempt to build a fire–that is, if his feet are wet. If his feet are dry, and he fails, he can run along the trail for half a mile and restore his circulation. But the circulation of wet and freezing feet cannot be restored by running when it is seventy-five below. No matter how fast he runs, the wet feet will freeze the harder.

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[artyom123]

great work, it kept me engaged and interested. my only suggestion would be that throughout the text you went little fast. I would love to hear little .2 second pauses after some words.

[ep1800]

Katelyn, I like your tone, energy and the enthusiasm you bring to this read. There is not much I would do differently. Youre articulation is also really good. Great Job!

[TimDKietzman]

This is the first time I’ve done a commercial for an Airline company. I wanted to work on performing a list and this script seemed like a great one to practice with. How’s my performance? In particular, my diversification of the list? Is my recording setup still working? Any suggestions are appreciated.

Legend Airlines

We’re not a four-star restaurant, but we do serve peppercorn-crusted beef tenderloin in a rich port sauce. We’re not a furniture store, but we do offer an impressive collection of leather recliners. We’re not a luxury hotel, but we do provide valet parking. We’re not an Internet Service Provider, but we do guarantee immediate Internet access. We’re not a movie theater complex, but we do have 56 screens with surround sound. …We’re not what you think….We’re Legend Airlines

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[aylinsings]

Great take! I think you do a good job changing up the list. I do think that it lacks just bit on energy. It is a lot of repetition so just make sure your energy is there to keep us interested until the end.

[artyom123]

very nice read, great articulation and emotion. each phrase had its own character. what if you add a story telling element to this read and see where that takes you.

[Elvie]

Hello,

I did a 2nd take on the Venice script. I naturally speak fast so I am trying to work on my pacing and enunciation. Please I welcome any feedback. Thank you for listening.

Venice has more than a thousand years of history behind it, but no one has ever seen it in exactly the same light or colors. Each hour, each minute, it changes its apparel of water and clouds, dazzling light and reflections. Venice…an ever-lasting, and ever-changing vacation.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Elvie.

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[D M Ulmer]

Hi Elvie,
Nice. I thought the pacing was improved from the first read. There is emphasis now on the things which make Venice unique. Your words are clear. Liked “each hour, each minute.” Keep it up!
Dawn

[ep1800]

Elvie, your voice and tone are a perfect match for this piece of copy. I think you can take more time with your pacing, you don’t need to rush it. Imagine you are seeing all these images in your mind. Really good job!
Ed

[Author]

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