Feedback Forum
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Hi! Upload your recordings, and get feedback from your peers!
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Hi all. Practising a couple of possible short scripts for my commercial demo. Honest feedback on any and all aspects will be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Toque
Script 1 – Old Tomorrow Brewers – “At ‘Old Tomorrow’ brewers, our ‘Double-Up’ Coffee Milk Stout takes a deliciously dark stout and tempers it with cream and coffee flavours. It’s like a beer latte that awakens your senses.
Script 2 – RBC – “From simple saving questions to big financial decisions, we’re here to help. RBC Investments – Get more when you invest with RBC.”
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Toque – nice job on these. As John said, the different tones you used made the reads distinctly different end equally interesting.
I’ll make two minor observations.
Script 1 – I hear a micro pause and a bit of uptalk on “Brewers” following the first “Old Tomorrow” which tended to separate the components of the brand name. I also hear just a little uptalk at end of first sentence when you say “flavors”.Script 2 – I think you nailed this one.
Good luck with your demo.
Chas
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Hi Toque,
I very much enjoyed listening to both scripts and appreciating the difference in tone that you applied to each one. Both readings made me feel that you were fully connected with, respectively, Old Tomorrow Brewers and RBC and, therefore, that you had visualized both scripts – a technique that my coach is impressing on me.
Regards,
John
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Hi all! Here is a script for any and all feedback. Working with lead-ins to set the tone and also on sounding conversational and authentic. Let me know what you think. Thank you!
Mary
Aetna/US Healthcare
No matter where we live–when it comes to something as important as health care–we all want the best. That’s why AETNA and US HEALTHCARE have joined forces to create a partnership that will set a new standard for quality and caring. AETNA and US HEALTHCARE. Raising a standard for your town, for your family, and for you.
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Really enjoyed this read. Your tone is reassuring, which is what I sure the client would want. Sounded very professional to me!
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Hi Mary,
Well, that sounds authentic and conversational to me! I felt that your lead-in worked perfectly. Actually, choosing the appropriate lead-in probably requires the same level of attention as interpretation of the script.
Regards,
John
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Great job Mary! Your audio quality sounds good to my ears, and your read has gotten much more conversational. Keep up the good work! Toque
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Mary
I think you were starting to use lead ins within the last few weeks and I remember how it made an immediate BIG difference getting you into the script.I think you’ve gotten even better. The pace and flow was very good and appropriate for this type of message and you definitely achieved your goals of conversational and authentic. And, great choice of music for this topic. Well done ! Chas
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Hi Maci, excellent! I really like your nice warm tone and emotion that you conveyed in both scripts! The first script was really encouraging and painted a picture of a family getting together. The second script was really good as well, and really chilling to think about the story behind it. Very well done!
Mary
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Script:
Welcome to Longevity by Design. A podcast for individuals looking to experience a longer, healthier life. In each episode, Dr. Gil Blander joins a co-host and an industry expert to explore the journey of personalized health. The show helps you access science-based information, unpack complicated concepts and learn about what’s on the cutting edge. Tune into Longevity by Design and see how to add years onto your life…and life onto your years.
Looking for feedback on connection to text. Much Appreciated!
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You’ve got a great voice Artyom! I agree with the comments from Mary and Macy. Feels to me like you might need to add a bit more emotion to the read in places, as though the podcast and the things to be discussed in it, are things you’re really interested in and excited to hear about – so you help get the audience excited and interested as well. Toque.
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Hi Artyom123! Very nice! I like the nice tone and calmness in your voice, very good for a podcast vibe, and I think you connected well with the script. I think “science-based” could be enunciated a little clearer; those 2 words ran together a bit for me. I also think you could have just a micro pause more after “…on the cutting edge.” to help end the phrase and that long descriptive sentence. Really good work!
Mary
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Hi!
I loved the delivery of your last line, you put a nice emphasis on years and made it sound very genuine. At the beginning I felt that your read was disconncted from the text, I would try smiling when you deliver the lines, that always helps me. I also think it would help to vary the pacing throughout the read so that it doesn’t sound like one big monologue. Hope this helps!
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Hi All – Here’s two more Commercial practice scripts as I work toward preparing for my demo next month. I chose the Sesame Place script because I wanted expand into more upbeat, family-focused reads. The AMEX script is going back to where I perceive my strengths to be. All constructive criticism welcomed. Chas
Sesame Place is the theme park where Sesame Street comes to life! New in 2018 is our biggest, most exciting roller coaster ever – Oscar’s Wacky Taxi™! Bring the entire family to whirl on rides, splash down slides and hug everyone’s favorite furry friends. So before little kids become big kids, bring them to meet their Sesame Street friends at Sesame Place® theme park!
We are helping put instruments back in the hands of kids. Why? Studies indicate kids who learn music excel at reading, science and math. But Budget cuts are eliminating music programs. So, join blue from American Express to help put music back in the hands of kids!
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Your voice is magnificent for the second one. You sound serious, formal, and business-like, which I’m sure is what the client would be looking for. The first one was good too, lively and inviting, although I think when you performed the list, it sounded as if you were losing interest… Lists need to be read as statements while still sounding invested. Both takes were great all in all, good luck.
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Hello Everyone,
I kind of kept pushing off doing this, but I’m happy to finally put stuff out here on this forum. I did a made-up banking commercial for this one.-
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Hi Akingsley,
I really enjoyed your read. As I listened to your recording, I found myself following the narrator into the bank while everyday banking was going on all around. Picking up on Mary’s feedback above, actually imagining myself inside a branch of that bank would make it much easier for me to really bring out the natural, conversational tone that I might want.
Thank you for sharing your reading.
Regards,
John
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Hi Akingsley! Nice work. This sounded a little disconnected / choppy to me, and with some longer pauses between phrases and after commas than needed. You might try it again and still emphasize key words like you were doing, just try to make it flow a little smoother, like how you tell a friend about it, more relaxed. I hope that makes sense. Keep it up!
Mary
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Hi. I like this material! I think you need to focus more on building the story aspect of it. You had the beginning, but started losing me in the middle. It was just a bit low energy and a little rehearsed. Try to make that part sound a bit more conversational and bright. At the end of the day, you want us to bank there. Great first take though!
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I agree. I listened to this twice. You started out on an okay note, then it sounded more like you were trying to read us the copy rather than perform it as a commercial. I think if you perform the commercial with more energy, speed, and enthusiasm, this could become a better performance that will grip and hold your listener’s attention.
hope this was helpful
-SL
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Hi All,
These clips were my homework from this week. I am working on Commercials. Thank you in advanced for any feedback!
Best,
Aylin-
Aylin
You have a great voice for this genre! I thought you did a very good job achieving conversational and authentic, especially in the Dryer and the Crest scripts.Tempo and pitch were also good throughout although the Johnsons script sounded a bit choppy to me. (e.g., .04 – routine, .07 – like a team, .12 – lotions, .17 – you). However, without seeing the script, I couldn’t tell which pauses were due to punctuation – it helps if you include a copy of the script in your submission.
Nice work!
Chas
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Hi Aylin,
Well, I thoroughly enjoyed listening to your reads and appreciating the personal touch that you gave to each one. I felt that you genuinely believed in the value of each of the products that you were promoting. Further, you enunciate so clearly. Having said that, I did feel that the ‘t’ sound was slightly suppressed in “it” (“the best in it” 0.08 secs); “White” (“with Crest 3D White 0.09 secs); and “Crest” (“Crest. Healthy, beautiful,… 0.14 secs) in the third recording, but maybe that is me just being picky and not knowing what I am talking about.
Thank you again for sharing.
Regards,
John
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Hello everyone,
I am putting up these narration recordings, part of my homework assignment, and would very much appreciate your feedback.
Regards,
John
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John, these are wonderful! You have a beautiful tone. I appreciate your use of vocal range, it definitely kept me engaged. Great work.
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John, Very nice energy in your performances of the narratives. I like the Sherlock Holmes feel you give as far as your voice and accent for all 3 recordings
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I love your voice! It feels suited to this reading and more! I love the delivery of facts and information and felt entertained. The only thing I can say beyond good things is that it felt like you were not very interested in the source material. Keep up the good work!
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Hi Akingsley,
Thank you very much for your positive and constructive feedback. My coach zeroed in on your observation re interest in the source material, and knew exactly what you meant. He is getting me to really focus on visualizing what is going on in a script, such that I can bring life to the words, thereby better interpreting a passage.
So, thank you again for your feedback,
Regards,
John
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Hello Everyone!
I’m just getting started and am working on narration. I appreciate any feedback you may have on the following scripts!
Thanks!
Darlene-
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Darlene – as a general guideline for future submissions, it is very helpful to post the script. I’ll limit these comments to “Hawaii” –I think you chose a very challenging script and I admire your guts to take this on. Generally speaking, I think it would have benefitted from adding energy and emotion throughout to make this a more engaging, informative experience. It felt like you were “just” reading a script and I wasn’t especially moved to travel there to share the experiences you were describing. The first two sentences sounded monotonal – varying tempo and pitch along with choosing some key words and/or phrases for emphasis can create more colorful, exciting mental images. The long list in the middle of your script was a bear ! Lists of 3-4 items can be a little tough; the list of seven attributes in the middle of this script is a Herculean task. Each element in a list like this is best articulated with a unique combination of tone, pitch and maybe a tempo tweak to distinguish them one from another.
You mentioned you were just getting started – I think you will be very happy with the results if you incorporate this script into a future lesson with your coach. Chas
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Hi everyone! Here is a kid’s eLearning practice read. so much fun! Any feedback is appreciated 🙂
Katelyn
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Katelyn – Very nice read ! While I agree that the last sentence could have used a little energy tweak, the conversational approach to the end-to-end read was well done and the list of three, on-planet activities was on-point with the varying pitch and tone decisions you made. And….I didn’t hear even one accidental glottal stop
Keep up the good work – Chas -
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