[David Goldberg]

Hi! Upload your recordings, and get feedback from your peers!

• This topic was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by David Goldberg.
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• This topic was modified 3 days, 23 hours ago by David Goldberg.
• This topic was modified 3 days, 23 hours ago by David Goldberg.
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Topic

[SteveVO]

Hi, everyone! I would love to get some feedback on this documentary-type read about beavers. Thanks!

Script: The b****r builds its lodge out of intertangled twigs and sticks; as freezing weather nears, they plaster their lodge with mud, making a concrete layer that no predator can break through. During the early nineteenth century, the b****r pelt was the single most valuable commodity; the pelt being used for robes, coats, clothing trims, and top hats.

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[sbell]

YOU’RE SO GOOD!!! Teach me your pacing ways!!! Your read was super clear and easy to understand. Even if you were explaining something complicated, your pace and diction were so clear that I had time to think about what you were saying as you read. I think you would also do well as an audiobook narrator.

[SteveVO]

That’s very kind of you. Thanks 🙂 For this particular script, I pictured myself inside the b****r’s lodge and pictured myself explaining it to someone, while we were watching the b****r do things. I looked for a bit of a hushed tone (so the b****r couldn’t hear me :-), and I find that I purposely slow my pace down for others, to help them absorb everything.

[sbell]

Hi everyone,

Would like feedback on my read. Working on my pacing so as not to read too fast.

Thanks in advance for your help

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[Shmuel]

I like the energy in this one.

[Mark.OD]

I thought you handle a challenging script adeptly. I agree with Steve that you could slow down a little bit. The one thing I wonder, however, is how you feel about Newton’s accomplishments. I think a little bit more “you” could help. Nice job.

[SteveVO]

I really like this read. I think your pacing was very good, and I would say just a smidge slower would make it even better. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it. It sounded exciting and engaging.

[sbell]

Thanks so much Steve!

[maxspitz]

Hey Y’all!

I tried posting earlier but it seems to not have successfully posted, so if this is a repeat, I apologize! If not, here are a few reads for my HW. Any comments, criticisms, notes of any kind are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

– Max

AMSTEL:
Hey… if life were perfect, magazines would never smell like perfume, dogs would walk themselves, and algebra would actually come in handy. Well, look on the bright side, at least there’s AMSTEL LIGHT. It has only 95 calories, but you still get real imported taste. Who says nothing’s perfect?…Amstel Light.

HONEST TEA:
Open a bottle of Honest Tea-and discover an honest world. Filled with real brewed organic tea leaves and delicious organic honey.
Or you could just take a look at the label.
Honest Tea. Refreshingly honest.

CRAYOLA:
Crayola Color Wonder Markers color only on special paper. So your kids can express their creativity more often…in more places…with less mess. Crayola Color Wonder. It starts with Crayola.

AMERICAN EXPRESS:
Do you know me? Probably not. In my business, recognition is always important, but when I’m buying goods online I prefer a little privacy. With Private Payments from American Express, I get the security of a unique number created for each business transaction I make. Because my private information is my business, and American Express keeps it that way.

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[JustJohn]

Hello! One thing I’ve picked up during my brief tenure in this community is that if you want feedback, it’s best to have short clips (which you have) and to post no more than one or two at a time. People tend to get overwhelmed and keep scrolling if they see too much of a time commitment in someone’s post. With that out of the way:

I think all four reads are pretty good. While your enunciation is good, your delivery could use more of a natural, conversational character at times — more “flow.” Also, all four reads feature very similar energy levels. I wonder how much you can tailor the energy of each read to suit the script/product.

Amstel Light: good list reading. “But you still get real, imported taste” sounds less natural than the rest of the read.
Honest Tea: There are some mouth clicks there that you’re going to want to clean up. You could do with fewer glottal stops overall – people don’t use them much in natural speech. I know there is a lot of vocal fry in the VO world these days, but I’m personally not a fan of the vocal fry. But that’s more of a personal choice than anything.
Crayola: What I like about this read is that, of the four you presented here, this one shows you doing the most stretching, in pitch, tone, energy, etc. Of all four reads, this one sounds the most polished, professional, and relatable, in my opinion.
American Express: Keep practicing this one. At this point, it doesn’t quite sound like you’re relating an actual personal experience. To my ear, of the four clips you posted, this one sounds the most like you’re reading. Maybe try to match the tone and energy of the first four sentences of this script with that of the last.

Good work overall. Keep it up!

[maxspitz]

JustJohn, thanks so much for your thoughtful reply and feedback! I really appreciate you breaking down each one and generally what you said about tailoring the energy of the read for each script.

Thanks!

-Max

[CHRISTOPHER WHITING]

Hi all,
Another round of homework for my commercial demo. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Chris

American Cancer Society
It’s tough to quit smoking. Just ask any of the 50 million Americans who continue to puff away, even though they know the toll it takes on health and longevity. When it comes to breaking this lethal habit, the most effective tool is willpower. The American Cancer Society now offers a free video for those smokers who feel they can’t quit alone. Call the AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY today, at 1-800-575-2424

Motivational informercial
Listen in as we share the research-proven formula for success. Plus, athletes, stars and trainers share their motivational tips! All coming up in the next 30-minutes!

Ziplock 2
Only Ziploc brand bags have a unique interlocking zipper to lock in freshness in a way no other bag can. When it comes out this fresh, you know it went in a Ziploc bag. Ziploc. We’ve got a lock on freshness.

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[Mdmcghee34]

Hi Chris,
Nice voice!
ACS – I would suggest more conversational, adjust the pitch, relax a little and connect with that type of audience who struggle with this habit. A little less emphasis on 50 million. It sounds like you loss some breath during the sentence …toll it takes on health and longevity. Let the copy breathe, move punctuation around so it sounds more natural.

Ziploc – good read. I would suggest here also to relax just a little and speed up the read just a tad. Try a lead-in, who are you telling about these ziploc bags? Think about, is this how you would tell them this.

[CHRISTOPHER WHITING]

Thank you for the feedback! I greatly appreciate it and will work on being more conversational.

[RBenesVO]

Homework time! If anyone has time to provide feedback on the following narration reads it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
R/
Ryan

Cosmos
Welcome to the planet earth. A place of blue nitrogen skies, oceans of liquid water, cool forests, soft meadows; A world positively rippling with life. From the cosmic perspective, it is, for the moment, unique. The only world on which we know with certainty that the matter of the cosmos has become alive, and aware. There must be many such worlds scattered through space, but our search for them begins here, with the accumulated wisdom of the men and women of our species, acquired at great cost, over a million years.

Social Security
Whether you’re young or old, male or female, single or with a family – this video is for and about you. That’s because Social Security has programs that affect everybody. This presentation was prepared by the Social Security Administration and tells you what you need to know about Social Security while still working and what you need to know when it’s your turn to collect benefits. It also provides an overview of Medicare and Supplemental Security Income benefits.

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[brucem]

Hi everyone, I’ve attached a couple of readings; one an eLearning script and the other a museum audio tour script. The most common critiques I get from coaches are about my pace and conversational tone. If you could take a listen and give me feedback about the pace, e.g. am I too fast, too slow; are there places in the script where you think I should slow down, etc. and the conversational tone of these reads. It would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Bruce

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[Mdmcghee34]

Hello Bruce!
Both reads have great tone. the student loan pacing was on target, not too fast or slow. It was just right for the information presented. The pacing allowed the reader to understand the information all while sounding conversational. The Jackson P*****k did sound more like reading rather than conversational.

[1stassi]

Hi guys here is another homework assignment. I have a cold but still please fill free to critique me. Thanks

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[brucem]

Hi,
I listened to the Nike read. Overall, I liked your tone; relaxed and conversational. My main critique is that this copy starts with a list “it’s a mindset, a focus, a deepseated…”. I would have liked more differentiation between the items in the list; to me they had similar tone and pace. There is a list again at the end and you raised the pitch on the second item, so I liked that part better.

[jwreickel]

Good afternoon all,

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Attached are some scripts and all feedback is appreciated!

Jimmy

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by jwreickel.

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[Mdmcghee34]

Hello Jimmy!
I listened to advil and it is a nice read. I would suggest the pace to be tighter and more connected. Who is your audience? lean into connecting with them and how great of a pain relief that advil can be for them.

[naderaliamer]

Hi Everyone. More homework, now complete with editing! Tell me what you think! I’m looking for notes and feedback.

Thanks in advance!

Meditation

Make yourself comfortable, sitting upright, with a straight spine. With your eyes closed, look at the point midway between the eyebrows on your forehead. Inhale slowly, counting to eight. Hold the breath for the same eight counts while concentrating your attention at the point between the eyebrows. Now exhale slowly to the same count of eight. Repeat three to six times.

9 Planets redo

About 12 billion years ago, scientists think, from a singular explosion, the universe was born. In those first moments, intensely hot hydrogen and helium raced outward – thinning, cooling, and clumping into vast, organized structures.

Within a few billion years, countless galaxies had emerged, each one containing hundreds of billions of stars – constantly changing in cycles of birth, death and rebirth. In one of these galaxies, about 5 billion years ago, one average-sized star, our sun, captured in its gravitational field the gas and dust that would become 9 planets.

Dublin 2

Home over the centuries to great writers like Johnathan Swift, George Bernard Shaw and James Joyce, Dublin has always been a center of the arts. Now, with the still roaring Celtic Tiger economy to support it, Ireland’s Capital City is the bustling home of ever-burgeoning business, important cultural institutions, lively nightlife and a youthful energetic population of both natives and newcomers.

Shakespeare

Heart-stirring, crowd-rousing, life-changing theatre-in-education programs are a bedrock tradition at Shakespeare & Company. Our Education Program brings the classical poetry and plays of Shakespeare into the lives of as many students and teachers as possible in ways that are personally meaningful, educationally inspiring, and theatrically compelling.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by naderaliamer.

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[brucem]

Hi, I listened to the meditation read. You have a nice relaxed tone that works well for this script. I was a little jarred by the way you said “upright” in the first sentence. “Up” was a higher pitch than “right” and I think it would have sounded better if you maintained the same pitch through that whole phrase: “sitting upright with a straight spine”. The rest of the read was fine.

[airbear57]

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing well!

This is my first time in the Edge Forum, and I would love to get any feedback you all have for me on these 2 practice commercial scripts (maybe not too much on sound though, since I’m still working on getting a studio set up 🙂

Thanks so much,
Arin

American Express:
Do you know me? Probably not. In my business, recognition is always important, but when I’m buying goods online I prefer a little privacy. With Private Payments from American Express, I get the security of a unique number created for each business transaction I make. Because my private information is my business, and American Express keeps it that way

Six Flags:
Kids hate the word no. As in no you can’t stay up late, no you can’t have more ice cream and no, you may not paint the cat. No, no, NO! Well isn’t it time for a yes? We think so. Six Flags Great Adventure. Yes!

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[Mdmcghee34]

Hi Arin!

Both reads have great energy and the type of energy you give matches the scripts well. For AMEX I would suggest the pace to flow just a little more. It already sounds good but I think to make it even more conversational, give it a little more flow. For six flags – try tightening up the lines. eliminate some of the pauses. Think about when you are speaking, you may not always pay attention to the punctuation marks. So try that and compare the reads.

[Author]

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