Feedback Forum
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Hi! Upload your recordings, and get feedback from your peers!
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Hi All,
Here are my second takes on the two commercial I submitted previously for homework. I tried to take the advice given. Please offer feedback where you see fit.
Thanks,
SWK—
Invisalign
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I commend your perseverance. This is my first time hearing your recordings. So, unfortunately, I won’t be able to congratulate any improvements.
I’m here because Coach Goldberg recommended that I critique a few peer recordings to help me self-critique and edit my own recordings as if I were a director.
I like your friendly tone. I will pass on a tip I received in a coaching session a few years ago; “pretend you are talking to a friend”. This will allow you to sound more conversational, natural, and not like you are reading. I hope this helps.
To your success!
— Renita —
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Here I am again, with the last practice with these three scripts! I tried to implement the feedback I got, so hopefully things will be even better this time!
Atlanta Bread Company
When you think of Atlanta Bread Company, don’t just think ‘bread’.
Think of an entire breakfast menu – fresh-baked pastries, hot breakfast sandwiches and specialty coffees.
Think of our Cafe with savory sandwiches, daily soups and crisp salads.
And don’t forget…we can cater your next special event or meeting!
Atlanta Bread Company – more than just bread.Special K Red Berries
Putting strawberries in cereal wasn’t our idea.
Putting them in the box was.
With slices of real strawberries and crunchy sweet flakes, looking good never tasted so good.
Special K Red Berries.A1 Steak Sauce
With steak, you want to make every bite count.
That’s why we use A-1 Steak Sauce. A-1 brings out every single bite of steak, or even hamburger.
Mmmmm, delicious.
For me, there’s only one steak sauce, A-1.
Because A-1 has all the taste that makes every bite count.-
I like your tone of voice and you did a nice job emphasizing the brand names.
The recommendations I would make as you continue to perfect your skills:
* Try to visualize the visuals that will accompany your read so you can add appropriate tones with the words, i.e. A1 – “Mmmm, delicious” was a little flat as opposed to how you would say it if you were imagining taking a bite of a big juicy burger 🙂
The same applies to reading the menu items in the Atlanta Bread read.* The read sounds a bit choppy. Try to read a few more words in your one breath to smooth out the read, while maintaining the nice slow pace you used.
* I’ll pass on a tip I received a few years ago, pay attention to how you talk with your friends/family (record it if necessary), then try to incorporate those elements in your read.
To your success!
— Renita —
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Hi everyone! Here is a script for your feedback. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
Mary
The forerunner of the camera can be traced back to an optical device used by the Chinese and ancient Greeks over 2,000 years ago known today as the camera obscura. A camera obscura was a dark chamber or room with a tiny hole in the wall to admit light, where images of objects outside the room were projected on the opposite wall from the passing rays. Later in the future, a lens was utilized in place of the hole to produce brighter, clearer images.
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I uploaded my first take of these three scripts a short while ago, and I worked on them again to see if I could do them better. I specifically worked on my natural vocal delivery, and tried to sound conversational. I’d appreciate some feedback! Thank you!
Atlanta Bread Company
When you think of Atlanta Bread Company, don’t just think ‘bread’.
Think of an entire breakfast menu – fresh-baked pastries, hot breakfast sandwiches and specialty coffees.
Think of our Cafe with savory sandwiches, daily soups and crisp salads.
And don’t forget…we can cater your next special event or meeting!
Atlanta Bread Company – more than just bread.Special K Red Berries
Putting strawberries in cereal wasn’t our idea.
Putting them in the box was.
With slices of real strawberries and crunchy sweet flakes, looking good never tasted so good.
Special K Red Berries.A1 Steak Sauce
With steak, you want to make every bite count.
That’s why we use A-1 Steak Sauce. A-1 brings out every single bite of steak, or even hamburger.
Mmmmm, delicious.
For me, there’s only one steak sauce, A-1.
Because A-1 has all the taste that makes every bite count.-
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Great improvement from the last ones I heard! You sound so much happier, great job! I guess my advice is to look at adding some variety within your sentences.
For Atlanta Bread, focus on the tag line. It’s the most important part! Think about what the message is.. It’s MORE than just bread.. add a little emotion into it, like you’re trying to not just tell me something, but make me feel what you’re saying. (if that makes any sense at all)
For Special-K, I really like your first couple of lines. Emphasis in the right places ( wasn’t our idea etc..) There seems to be a slight awkward pause when you say.. never tasted so good.
A-1. I like how you sounded a little more natural in this one. play with going up at the end of a sentence instead of down, maybe? Just to add a little more variety.
Overall, great job! -
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Hello Friends,
Just another upload for feedback, I appreciate all of the comments
Thanks!
SPECIAL K RED BERRIES
Putting strawberries in cereal wasn’t our idea. Putting them in the box was. With slices of real strawberries and crunchy sweet flakes, looking good never tasted so good. Special K Red Berries.
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What a soothing voice! I think the one thing I can say is to imagine you’re talking to someone you know. Like your mom, partner, sibling, friend, or grandmother, it doesn’t matter. When you’re reading it, imagine you’re saying those words to that person.. it will help you sound more authentic. The goal is to not sound like you’re reading it, but that you’re just telling me (the listener, something as if in conversation).
Hope that helps some,
A
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I’m working on natural delivery and I’d appreciate some good feedback! Thanks!
Chili’s Big Mouth Burger
Not long ago in a Chili’s restaurant, the server, carrying a big mouth burger to a customer turned a corner
and collided with another server carrying a tray of nachos.
Both customers got more than they expected, because what could have been disastrous turned out delicious.
Tangy tortilla strips, jalepenos, and pesto on a burger grilled to perfection.
Introducing Chili’s new NACHO BIG MOUTH BURGER.
Nachos and burger…on a collision course with destiny.Balducci’s
Can your food market pass a simple taste test?
At Balducci’s, we put taste first.
This spring, we’re loading up our stores with fresh and chef-crafted foods that are simply bursting with flavor.
Like majestic orange wild king salmon, flown in daily.
And specialties like champagne ham, slow-smoked over hickory chips and glazed with pineapple juice and brown sugar.
Now there’s a store that puts taste first.
Balducci’s.
The food lover’s market. -
Hey Y’all!
Hope everyone is having a great Monday! Below are 3 reads for my coaching HW, any feedback, comments, constructive criticism, etc. is greatly appreciated. Thanks!!
DELTA: WHEN WE’RE BORN. WE ARE MORE ALIKE THAN DIFFERENT. BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, WE START TO BELIEVE THE MORE DISTANT WE ARE FROM EACH OTHER….THE MORE DISTANT WE ARE. ITS NOT UNTIL WE VENTURE INTO THE WORLD THAT WE SEE ALL WE SHARE.MAYBE THATS THE POWER OF FLIGHT. DELTA ISN’T JUST FLYING TO BRING US TOGETHER….BUT TO SHOW, WE WERE NEVER THAT FAR PART TO BEGIN WITH.
DULUTH: If your underwear feels like you’re in a vice…get buck n***d. Duluth Trading Buck N***d Underwear…
The most comfortable underwear there is… No pinch… No stink… No sweat… Get a pair…
Only at Duluth Stores…and Duluth Trading dot comLEGEND: We’re not a four-star restaurant, but we do serve peppercorn-crusted beef tenderloin in a rich port sauce.
We’re not a furniture store, but we do offer an impressive collection of leather recliners. We’re not a luxury hotel, but we do provide valet parking. We’re not an Internet Service Provider, but we do guarantee immediate Internet access. We’re not a movie theater complex, but we do have 56 screens with surround sound. …We’re not what you think….We’re Legend AirlineS-
Sounds GREAT!
A couple thoughts. The first time you say buck n****d (are we not allowed to write that word? lol) I would say it somehow differently. Maybe add a big smile and stretch out the words a little. Something to make it sound a little cheeky (no pun intended). Something that will set it apart from the next line which states the company..
For legend airlines, I would play with pacing. Some words or even full sentences could be said a little faster or slower to add variety. And, I would add a slightly longer pause between the sentences.
maybe emphasize “rich” and “port” in rich port sauce.
But most importantly I think you need to notice how all of your sentences end on the exact same note. (I have such a hard time with this too). This particular script is very challenging in this respect. It’s hard to add variety when all of the sentences are almost the same! Try starting them on different notes, it might help you change it up. I think changing the speed would help with this too. Also, (Im sure you’ve heard this before) you don’t have to follow the punctuation! For example, “We’re not a furniture store. But we do provide….
OR We’re not a luxury hotel? But we do…
Hope my random thoughts help some!
A
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Good Morning!
Bit of a late upload of this weeks homework for Mr Bruder!
Three scripts this time, trying to add a bit more of a smile!NASDAQ
We all have an important role to play. Ours is to power the worlds markets. Reliably, securely, and from anywhere. Because when global economies operate smoothly, a market of humanity emerges. Not stocks or bonds or IPOs — but exchanges of concern, care and hope with the determination to re-emerge stronger and reimagine tomorrow together. Visit NASDAQ.com to see how we can rewrite tomorrow, together.SPECIAL K RED BERRIES
Putting strawberries in cereal wasn’t our idea. Putting them in the box was. With slices of real strawberries and crunchy sweet flakes, looking good never tasted so good. Special K Red Berries.Campbell’s Chunky Chili
Introducing Campbell’s Chunky Chili with Beans – four delicious, hearty varieties loaded with succulent, seasoned meat. It’s the perfect pre-game warm-up.
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