Reply To: Feedback Forum
I like your voice! Comments on your pieces:
-I think you can slow down significantly and take longer pauses between beats. Museum-goers are presumably going to be moving at a leisurely pace so that they can look around. There’s no need for you to rush.
-“Welcome to the Metropolois Superman Museum” can sound more excited and grand. You’ve got cool stuff to show people; you can be delighted that they’re there to see it all!
-Words that I think you might consider hitting at least slightly harder: “find NUMEROUS examples” “of SUPERMAN merchandise” “the LONG and GRAND history” “most BELOVED superhero”
-I don’t think “memorabilia” needs to be emphasized.
-I think you might try hitting “paramount” slightly harder.
-I’m losing the word “in” in “professionals *in* sewn products”–it sounds like it could be “N” or “and” and I’m having to infer from context (“sewn” could be slightly clearer, too, because when it’s not pronounced with extreme delicacy it is at risk of sounding like “zone,” since that’s a more common word); just watch your enunciation there.
-The list of “reducing cycle times, increasing productivity, and delivering greater quality at lower costs” could use a little more variation in tone. (You did very well with the first list–“Visibility, Performance and Predictability”!)