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I prefer your second read. (I felt like the first one had an air of “Once upon a time” to it, as if you were going to tell me a fairy tale–which actually suited the opening perfectly, but which I think might have seemed a better overall fit to me if the copy had given you more of an extended narrative arc to work with.)
Four small notes:
1. I think that “the server carrying a Big Mouth Burger to a customer” ought to be said as a single fluid utterance, because the participle phrase “carrying a Big Mouth Burger to a customer” functions as a necessary modifier for “the server,” identifying which server at that restaurant you are talking about (i.e., not a different server, such as the one carrying a tray of nachos). Your pause gave me the potentially confusing initial impression that the restaurant had only one server.
2. You might try seeing what happens if you rein in your emphasis of “delicious” about 10-15%. I found it fun but just a *tad* much.
3. I suppose Chili’s is not known for being authentically Mexican, so perhaps you made the right call. But you might try pronouncing jalapenos without anglicizing the penultimate vowel and see how you feel about it.
4. If you want to, I think that you have more room to have fun with “on a collision course with destiny.” In any case, I would suggest avoiding ending with a fading cadence.
