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Hi Silver Wit,
I like what you’re doing in version 2, but overall, I prefer version 1 because it’s cleaner and clearer. Version 2 gives me a sense that you’re acting out the headache, and this thought distracts me a bit from your words. I like how you vary the intonation on: throbbing, tension and pain – but I think a more upbeat ending might help. I would appreciate any feedback you can give me on my Cool-Jazz read above. Thank you!