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7-11 made me laugh, you punch the punch lines. Nice job. Question in the script… Was it one “three-alarm fire” … or three separate alarm fires. That made me stop when listening.
The Boys and Girls club – the first line that “piece of paper” in the hands of a child is more powerful than a gun or knife. That is incredibly visual. It is a golden ticket that can change someone’s life. I would try to bring that relevance and importance. It may help to bring a bit more seriousness to the piece.
