Reply To: Feedback Forum
Hey Shmuel. I think you’re getting closer with the last read. The first two reads felt like you were trying to get the words out of your mouth as fast as you could 🙂
I think you can work on smoothing out the read The second line felt a little choppy. You can smooth that whole line out like you are casually talking to a friend. Your pace can be picked up here (not so fast as the first reads) and then you could maybe pose that question of “you know that oomph you feel” a little slower paced.
It’s all about feeling how you would say this in real life. Personally, I would say that the first line pretty straightforward, a little bit throw away but then I’d slow down and use my hands and say “you know that oomph you feel” and give those words their due because you are describing a full-body feeling that doesn’t really have much language to describe, its more of a feeling, but everyone knows that feeling.
That one line “Our patented Oscillating Frame accurately reproduces and plays frequencies up to 200Hz including subsonic frequencies.” is SUPER hard. You need to break it up into sections that the listener will actually be able to grasp potentially, so I think here it is appropriate to pause intentionally between phrases/ideas here:
Our patented Oscillating Frame (pause) accurately reproduces and plays frequencies up to 200Hz (pause) including subsonic frequencies.
Regarding the first line and the question there – I have been told by Larry Hudson and his group that when we ask a question in a script, it’s generally treated as a rhetorical question. Especially here where you are going to explain HOW it works. You’re not asking the listener, you are going to tell the listener, so it is a rhetorical question. So when you “upspeak” on the word “work” it sounds like you are indeed asking a question like you don’t know how it works.
Those are my thoughts. I thought this was really well done though. Nice work! I’d like to hear another go at it from you! You’ve got a really inviting, warm and trustworthy tone. You sound like a guy I’d go buy a speaker with. There’s just a few things that stuck out to me:)