[jliebert]

No that’s great…I welcome the criticism! Thank you.

[jliebert]

Hi! I listened a bunch of times to your recording. Here’s my 2 cents, and note that I’m not a coach…just a student at Edge in the midst of preparing my first Narration demo.

I love your smiling tone, particularly on the first sentence. You have a beautiful voice and it’s a nice clean recording. And I love Mexico, and really want to visit Guanajuato, so I was particularly attracted to your recording.

It sounds like you’re hitting a lot of words and syllables within words, it seems a little excessive and not as natural as it could be for that reason. For example, at the beginning, the word Guanajuato – sounds like you hitting “Guan” and “Jua”. Try just the first one, or hit the “Jua” with less gusto. For another example, listen to the sentence that begins “The 16th century…”, and note the number syllables you are hitting. Experiment with fewer hits and see if you like it.

Listen back for glottal stops. There are a lot of them here that you may want to smooth out or avoid.

Also a small thing, but your voice starts to fry when you say “built out of”. Not sure if that was intentional, but I think it would be better to avoid that.

Hope this helps,
Jeff

[jliebert]

Thank you Bill! I love blunt and honest feedback. It will help me improve. I was trying for a more excited tone in the Black Diamond script, and perhaps it came across as too unnatural, and I absolutely don’t want to sound as if I’m reading. I’m going to try it again, toned down a bit. If you (or anyone) has any commentary on the naturalness and flow of this take as compared to the original, i’d appreciate that.

The original version is “Take 1” and the new one is “Take 2”.

Thanks Bill and everyone,
Jeff

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[jliebert]

Hi All –

I’m uploading a few homework scripts. Appreciate any feedback you may have, in particular on pace, naturalness, and diction. Scripts are below.

Thank you!
Jeff

Aetna/US Healthcare
No matter where we live–when it comes to something as important as health care, we all want the best. That’s why AETNA and US HEALTHCARE have joined forces to create a partnership that will set a new standard for quality and caring. AETNA and US HEALTHCARE. Raising a standard for your town, for your family, and for you.

Black Diamond
Here at Black Diamond it’s all about climbing and skiing. We share the same experiences that you do on rock, ice and snow and these experiences push us to make the best gear possible for our worldwide family of climbers and skiers.
What began with a backyard anvil and a hammer has now grown into a global company with offices on three continents. Black Diamond is a company that’s not just for rock climbers and skiers, but one that stands for the spirit of the sports we live, their values and goals, past, present and future. Since 1957, our innovative gear designs have set the standard in numerous areas. This is partly the result of dedication, desire and diligence on the part of an incredible team of people. It’s also a product of the fact that each of us are climbers and skiers ourselves.

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[jliebert]

Thank you!

[jliebert]

Hi Debbie –

I loved your reads in both cases! I particularly liked your tone on the Children’s space narration. For the Website greeting, I just did the same one, so I focused on that. I noticed some choppiness due to glottal stops, and also a few cases where it could have been a little more conversational. Some examples:

“of car shoppers”…(smooth out glottal stop on “of”)
“his next car” – smooth this out to sound more natural.
“could have reached Bob” – I think “could’ve reached Bob” would sound more natural here

I did like your choice of hitting “18” on “18 websites”. I personally think the glottal stop in this case is a good choice, as it is an important thing to “hit”.

I’m uploading mine too. I’d love to hear your thoughts and criticisms!

I didn’t focus on the Children’s one as much, but I noticed a few glottal stops in there as well, e.g., “some other” and “throughout”. Just maybe something to watch.

Jeff

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[jliebert]

I like your tone and flow on both of these scripts a lot. My only comment is that the Baxter Industries one sounded a little fast-paced given the amount of detail. If you slowed it down a bit, I think it would be perfect.

[jliebert]

I just realized I wrote “microbuses”, and meant “micropauses”! I’m going to attribute that to autocorrect!

[jliebert]

This is really good. And you took the time to add music. Sounds really professional. Is this for your demo?

[jliebert]

I love the “Journey Always” script. Very natural sounding, good pace, great tone. The Disney Princess game sounds like you are doing a character. Your voice is higher than natural. I’d suggest you try it more in your own tone of voice, more natural. Hope this helps.

Jeff

[Author]

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