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You seem to start off well and describing the illness it sounded somewhat realistic. However on a PSA you could milk it even more I don’t mean cry but you could have sounded even more sad LOL. Then I think this read needs to have a turn, as in the line these are the warning signs should be highlighted in a different tone from the description of her illness like almost Stern in stating that, lastly the solution could almost be a little bit upbeat whereas I think you followed the same tone throughout if that makes sense. PSA is usually require a lot of acting, good luck with your demo and I hope that helps!