[chas82]

It’s you – lol. I liked it overall and I especially liked how you started out. I’d guess that little uplift in tempo and pitch of “it shows” is what will set you apart, especially since it comes at the beginning. I could also feel you smiling when hitting that phrase which made the message more natural and conversational, and not just reading a script. The “for a glow” phrase didn’t flow for me – too much emphasis on pronouncing the “a”.( I’m wondering if you edited this part of the file – I sometimes hear similar effects on my stuff that I try to edit but I am still at bottom of learning curve with my DAW.) I also thought the pause at the comma after “new” was too long, making the last sentence a little choppy. Two very minor tweaks and overall, a very demo worthy read.

[chas82]

Alexis

That was a great read! Excellent tempo, very nice variation in pitch and volume throughout, definitely was natural and conversational and your choice of which words to emphasize was spot on. I may have heard a small breath after the 4th and the 5th sentences but it could be my equipment. Well done!

Chas

[chas82]

Hi All – Looking to bring a little more happy emotion to my Commercial practice script selections while not re-recording fifty times. My goal with this one is to be an excited doggo in 3 takes or less. All feedback welcomed. Thanks

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[chas82]

Katelynn
You nailed your three goals of conversational, friendly and encouraging! You made the topic engaging with your tempo and pitch, it went smoothly from end-to-end because of your choices of timing for the commas and I think you chose the correct words to emphasize. One little nit pick – I heard “to” pronounced as “ta” in both places where it occurs. Overall, a very nice job!
Chas

[chas82]

Mary
I liked where you’re headed with this. I think the first two sentences were done well. You established an approach that’s a little quirky and also set a nice anchor for the finish that also contain references to hats/hairstyle.

The third sentence seemed to be a little flat to me in spots. There are some key words and phrases that reinforce the underlying message that could be more emphasized (new updo, renovations nationwide, any national chain). I also think the uptalk used for “fresh modern look” de-emphasizes the point of the message – just emphasize fresh and modern. I liked how you ended; “hearing” the smile in your delivery helped me relate to the message.

I think you were challenged by a very poor job of copywriting. The third sentence, beginning with “Well”, is far too long and choppy and contains four separate and distinct topics, most deserving sentences but separated by just commas. It sounded like the last comma got you a little bit, making the brief pause sound more like a period at the end of a sentence.

All that being said, overall, it was pretty good and this is why we all practice.
Chas

[chas82]

Here’s a “before and after” of the same travel script, with the after intended to incorporate forum feedback I found very helpful. Primary objective was to bring more emotion to the phrases that paint the word pictures of the tropical setting, between 14 seconds and 21 seconds. Thanks in advance for all input.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by chas82.

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[chas82]

Katelynn, I think your choices in the slight variance of pitch and volume in #2 resulted in the much better of the two reads. I think you nailed which key words and phrases needed to be emphasized and that allowed your personality to shine through, making the entire read sound more natural, conversational and a topic you were truly interested in. Good work !

[chas82]

A definite improvement! Slow down to speed up worked well for you. I think it enhanced the energy of the read and that made it more attention grabbing. There was only one enunciation issue; you meant to say “..ready TO turtle up” but it sounded like “..ready ta turtle up.” Good job.

[chas82]

Thanks Katelyn. Your feedback about slower and savor is exactly what I was going for. When I characterized my choice of script as “More organic” than what I’ve been choosing to date, it’s because I have zero trained acting chops and I want to be able to bring more emotion to the scripts that need it. I thought I was close but always room for improvement. I’ll try to find the time Saturday to do another version. Appreciate your on point feedback, as always – Chas

[chas82]

Hi all – I chose a few travel Commercials because I wanted to try some scripts that seem to be a little lighter, a little more organic than what I’ve recently been practicing. Interested in how you think about tempo, pitch and tone as well as enunciation, volume and anything else you’re willing to share. Thanks for your interest.

Sandals
Somewhere in the Caribbean, there are 5-star luxury resorts where it’s all-inclusive, all the time. Sandals, where love is all you need. Because everything else is included. Call 1-800-Sandals.

Club Med
Imagine for a moment … nothing. No clocks. No ringing phone. No traffic jams. No radios. No newspapers. And no crowds. Now imagine a Club Med vacation. An island village where aqua seas brush dazzling white shores. Where lush green palms line wandering paths. A place where evenings are filled with entertainment and dancing. A Club Med vacation is like none other. Ask your travel agent.

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