chas82
Forum Replies Created
-
Replies
-
Mary
I think you were starting to use lead ins within the last few weeks and I remember how it made an immediate BIG difference getting you into the script.I think you’ve gotten even better. The pace and flow was very good and appropriate for this type of message and you definitely achieved your goals of conversational and authentic. And, great choice of music for this topic. Well done ! Chas
Toque – nice job on these. As John said, the different tones you used made the reads distinctly different end equally interesting.
I’ll make two minor observations.
Script 1 – I hear a micro pause and a bit of uptalk on “Brewers” following the first “Old Tomorrow” which tended to separate the components of the brand name. I also hear just a little uptalk at end of first sentence when you say “flavors”.Script 2 – I think you nailed this one.
Good luck with your demo.
Chas
Hi All – Here’s two more Commercial practice scripts as I work toward preparing for my demo next month. I chose the Sesame Place script because I wanted expand into more upbeat, family-focused reads. The AMEX script is going back to where I perceive my strengths to be. All constructive criticism welcomed. Chas
Sesame Place is the theme park where Sesame Street comes to life! New in 2018 is our biggest, most exciting roller coaster ever – Oscar’s Wacky Taxi™! Bring the entire family to whirl on rides, splash down slides and hug everyone’s favorite furry friends. So before little kids become big kids, bring them to meet their Sesame Street friends at Sesame Place® theme park!
We are helping put instruments back in the hands of kids. Why? Studies indicate kids who learn music excel at reading, science and math. But Budget cuts are eliminating music programs. So, join blue from American Express to help put music back in the hands of kids!
Darlene – as a general guideline for future submissions, it is very helpful to post the script. I’ll limit these comments to “Hawaii” –I think you chose a very challenging script and I admire your guts to take this on. Generally speaking, I think it would have benefitted from adding energy and emotion throughout to make this a more engaging, informative experience. It felt like you were “just” reading a script and I wasn’t especially moved to travel there to share the experiences you were describing. The first two sentences sounded monotonal – varying tempo and pitch along with choosing some key words and/or phrases for emphasis can create more colorful, exciting mental images. The long list in the middle of your script was a bear ! Lists of 3-4 items can be a little tough; the list of seven attributes in the middle of this script is a Herculean task. Each element in a list like this is best articulated with a unique combination of tone, pitch and maybe a tempo tweak to distinguish them one from another.
You mentioned you were just getting started – I think you will be very happy with the results if you incorporate this script into a future lesson with your coach. Chas
Katelyn – Very nice read ! While I agree that the last sentence could have used a little energy tweak, the conversational approach to the end-to-end read was well done and the list of three, on-planet activities was on-point with the varying pitch and tone decisions you made. And….I didn’t hear even one accidental glottal stop
Keep up the good work – ChasContinuing to focus on my homework for a Commercial demo and appreciate all feedback.
Thanks, ChasAdvil
Arthritis pain? It’s a part of my life. So I keep Advil close by. Just ONE works as well as TWO regular Tylenol. Advil works at the site of minor arthritis pain — stopping it where it starts. Nothing’s proven to work better or last longer than Advil. And now introducing new ADVIL GEL CAPLETS. One more advance for Advil. Advanced medicine for pain.Burdahgirl
I also like #3. It felt the most conversational and authentic. I’m sure the lead-in helped frame the style you were after big time. It did seem that you had the emphasis reversed for “great price” at end of next to last sentence and I would have also emphasized “great” a little more in the two uses of “great country”. However, you have a fundamentally very good read throughout and it seems the “read it 3 times” suggestion worked well for you. Keep up the good work!
Chas
Hi Tori
I like your voice and I suggest that a little more energy throughout, choosing some key words for a little more emphasis and sharpening some selected pronunciations would help both scripts. I’ll limit this just to Aruba.Aruba – the first two words sounded a little slurred. I didn’t hear the “t” in “It” and the second syllable in “tropical” was almost inaudible. The list in 0:06 – 0.12 contain a few words that would paint a more attractive picture if they were emphasized, e.g., everything, romantic, exciting adventures, whole family. I also think “you have found it“ needs to stand out more because I think this is the heart of the message and the answer to the big question “If you are looking for ……”. Lastly, at the end, I heard “you will love whaa Aruba offers”; the hard consonant “t” went missing.
Just some minor, easy to fix tweaks. Keep up the good work.
Chas
