[reeyab]

Hi Mary! First of all, I LOVED the way you did the two “lists” in this copy. Lists are the hardest for me to nail without getting too monotonous. I do think that this would benefit from a more aggressive read – the speaker is basically commanding us to go to a hard-core gym where the “product” (such as it is – getting fit) won’t be provided in a touchy-feely way. I think something more authoritative would help get the message across. I did love your delivery about getting a dog if you want a friend – it made me chuckle. I think you’ve got the basic foundation for this copy down in terms of pacing – just… be more intimidating!