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Mary
I liked where you’re headed with this. I think the first two sentences were done well. You established an approach that’s a little quirky and also set a nice anchor for the finish that also contain references to hats/hairstyle.

The third sentence seemed to be a little flat to me in spots. There are some key words and phrases that reinforce the underlying message that could be more emphasized (new updo, renovations nationwide, any national chain). I also think the uptalk used for “fresh modern look” de-emphasizes the point of the message – just emphasize fresh and modern. I liked how you ended; “hearing” the smile in your delivery helped me relate to the message.

I think you were challenged by a very poor job of copywriting. The third sentence, beginning with “Well”, is far too long and choppy and contains four separate and distinct topics, most deserving sentences but separated by just commas. It sounded like the last comma got you a little bit, making the brief pause sound more like a period at the end of a sentence.

All that being said, overall, it was pretty good and this is why we all practice.
Chas