Hi! You have a very bright and positive tone with this, which I think is right direction for it. I think it could be a more conversational(you had a fabulous conversational part at the “no promises on less mess but definitely…” section try bringing in more of that) if you don’t already have someone specific you are telling about this. One other thing, there is a lot of this vs that in this script, play with those differences more. Good job!
Nerds
-Nice pace, I would just slow down that first word, maybe give yourself a lead in to start.
AGI
-Lovely tone! I think you could have a bigger tone shift between the stated problem in the first line and then going into the solution.
Dovato
– you have a nice empathetic voice here, keep the empathy and add some more brightness to it, you are giving someone something that could really improve their quality of life. The end is a little choppy.
Loreol
– I think your tone and pace are good here I think it just needs to be a bit more conversational. Try to have a very specific person in mind who you are talking to and telling about this awesome new mascara you just started using.
I think this was really nice! You had a lovely tone, and a really nice pace. My only thoughts were that I would slow down “Welcome to Gordan College” just a little, especially the first word but just a bit. And I would add a little more smile to your tone, just make it a little brighter. But it was really nice read I trusted you as my guide.
Hi!
Trivago- Nice read, very fun and casual
“Alright Trivago” kinda sounded like a lead in, but I assume it’s supposed to be part of the commercial, in which case I would use lead in so you’re on from the beginning.
“and trivago my friends love to party” can be smoothed out a bit.
I think because there is so much of oooh what about this and oooh what about that in this commerical copy it would be helpful to do a few different lead ins for different parts of the script (and then just edit out the lead ins) to help with variation from the ocean views to massage to partying since they are all very different vacation options.
One other thing which is an easy fix, at one point you say “and Trivago” then goes into the parting bit but on “and” I’m not hearing the d on it, so it sounds like “in Trivago”
Indeed- Also nice read, really nice tone.
I think you can slow down those first 3 words they go by really fast. I’d just add a few extra vowels to the first word to help elongate it. I would take a slight step off how much you’re emphasizing the different words in the your mom has made it her job to find you a job bit. It’s definitely makes sense to put some emphasis, its a funny part of the script the word job is said like 3 times, but you can reel it back just a little. Lastly, I would do more of a tone shift from the first beat of the script(no job, move back home, moms in your business) to the second beat of Indeed has a solution, maybe brighter, happier, more of a smile. You state the problem, now here is the solution.
Great job! Take whatever was feedback helpful and leave the rest!