LSlagle519
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Hi, Kim! I just listened to your reads–you did a great job on all of them! Here are my notes for each:
Cool, Cool: I got the feeling of a kid’s education program from this read. The tone was playful, the “Waaa, waaa, waaa” bit gave a good chuckle, and I felt the sense of curiosity endowed in every word! Fantastic work!
Cod Heads: Personally, I don’t think the read is too fast and there is a satirical undertone, which works well for the copy. The main takeaway is that you drop words that could really use some emphasis (Islands, carcasses, and especially “child’s play”). Think about if a listener in the car or at home watching TV only half-listened to what you were saying. They would miss the specificity of the Lofoten Islands being exactly that. Carcasses will be implied by some listeners when they hear “headless fish,” but what if this was about headless fish dolls or headless fish shirts promoting a movie? You always want the listener to maintain full awareness of your subject even if they don’t fully tune in. For child’s play, it’s about making a strong ending–you don’t want to drop the last words because it drives the final point home in 99% (if not 100%) of scripts. Otherwise, it’s a solid read! Keep working at it! (Bonus points for staying on track even without perfectly following the copy!)
Rogers: A sweet read for sweet copy. Foundationally, it sounds good. You avoid making it sound sappy and it made the message more heartfelt and light. The burning questions I have here are: Who are you speaking to? Why do you want to tell them about Fred Rogers and his kindness? That will make this copy feel more natural as you read. The way you said “kind” felt awkward–almost as if you were stuck deciding between an uplifting, bubbly tone and a sweet, demure (for lack of a better term) tone. Just like with Cod Heads, don’t drop “children” at the end. Who did Fred Rogers’ innovation on television effect? Let your audience know the answer.
Overall, you did a great job! Cool, Cool is in a fantastic spot and the other two are on their way. Your diction is fantastic and I understood every word you said without needing to look at the copy! Your voice is also very clear and captures the moods of each piece!
I’m overdue on finishing these, so I’m gonna fix that! This time, I have four reads: Three from adaptations I wrote myself and one from the script library. As always, criticism is highly appreciated and I thank you for your time!
Blaze Pizza (Original)
22… 23… 24… …this is the fourth time this week. How many cars will you count before your pizza’s ready? I think it’s time for Blaze Pizza! Choose from five different crust options, pick your sauce and toppings, and they’ll have it out to you in ten minutes! Trust me, the drive to Nicholasville Road is worth it!AT&T 5G Adaptation (original comes from “Foam Finger” TV Commercial):
My oven? Reliable, but not fast. Keys? Secure, but not always reliable. And my car? Fast, but NOT secure! But thanks to AT&T’s 5G phone plan, I can connect fast, reliably, and securely with the rest of the world! Simple stuff! …please tell me that’s not my car.Crumbl Cookies (Original):
Is fish pizza a thing? From what ocean are they getting these ideas? Unique…doesn’t always mean tasty. You wanna talk unique AND tasty? Let’s talk Crumbl Cookies! Find Crumbl Cookies next to Party City by Hamburg in Lexington, choose from four to five unique flavors that rotate every week, and get your sweet tooth on the line!Alaska (Holland America):
Before you stand in Denali’s shadow, view moose up close, float down the Yukon, and marvel at Glacier Bay, you have to call Holland America. Our Alaska is not just a collection of sights. It’s feeling the Gold Rush come to life, floating downriver on our exclusive Yukon Queen. And a first glimpse of sky-splitting peaks from our spacious rail cars. To get started, simply ask for our free Alaska Planning Guide. It’s brimming with everything you need to plan your dream trip, from the friendliest, most knowledgeable staff in Alaska. Put the dream in motion today. The difference is Holland America.Hi, everyone!
I decided to practice a few script adaptations I wrote in my spare time and I wanted some feedback on each. One is for the Landmark Recovery of Lexington and the other is a short revision I made for Lindor Truffles. I don’t know if I can pull off the seductive tone naturally, but I felt it was better to try it out!
Landmark Recovery:
It feels like an escape…until it starts hurting you. It takes control of your life and destroys everything you have until there’s nothing left! It’s a poison as deadly as the flu…but you can still reach out. You don’t have to face drug addiction alone. Call Landmark Recovery of Lexington at 859-212-6734 and start working towards your cure for drug addiction.Lindor Truffles:
Your girlfriend doesn’t want some typical name-brand chocolate. She wants irresistibly smooth, luscious chocolate that melts in her mouth! She wants Lindor Truffles! The good news? You can get an assorted bag of 15 truffles for just $10 at your local Kentucky store. What are you waiting for?Hi! Your voice is very clear and you enunciate your words well! You also have a naturally high pitch for reads, which will help tremendously for high-energy reads! One point I want to address before going into each piece is tone. It sounds similar through all of the reads even when the situations are different. Identify who it is you’re addressing in each of these reads and why you’re talking about the product or service (more on that in the individual notes).
Alaska (Holland America): Strong start on “Before.” It helps inform the audience that there’s something else they’ll want to do so their trip to Alaska is more special than a standard drive around the countryside (or ride on the railcar). One thing that will also help is to switch emphasis to “…you have to call Holland America.” Remember: You want them to enjoy the experience as much as possible by making them feel as if they can do this to make it more fun rather than a process they have to go through before they can go on the trip.
Harvey Home Theatre: This is an example piece of copy where you may want to play with punctuation rather than follow it uniformly. One question: How smart is he? Is he really so smart that he can do more than just cardiac surgery with ease? Or are there things even he has trouble with? That can help inform the tone for this read–I can feel a sassy quality from this copy just reading it. The heightened energy does work when you talk about it to your audience–after all, you want to transport them to a world where they control their immersion, don’t you?
Waterpik: This read sounded the most natural out of the three and feels like the best fit for your natural voice! Again, think about the tone of the copy. Think about how much of a struggle it is to manually floss between every single tooth. But, you have a solution! A strong start can always carry through to the ending when you know what your lead-in line is (what happened or was said immediately before you say the first word).
Out of all of these, the Waterpik and Alaska reads work best for your natural voice. Keep working some more on these to get a more conversational read!
Hi, Rebecca! First, I love your natural voice! You sound naturally cheery and self-assured and it works well with these reads! Here’s my individual observations for each:
Six Flags: The enthusiasm works with this (who doesn’t get excited about a trip to Six Flags?!). However, it sounds like you’re trying to wring it out from start to finish and it feels forced. Think back to your childhood days when your parents said “no.” How did you feel about being told “no” when you asked for something? Disgust? Frustration? Dread? If you start with that familiar feeling, it will make the turn to, “Yes! You CAN go to Six Flags and have all the fun and excitement you wanted for so long! Yay!” stronger.
Revlon: This sounded more natural and I thought the pronunciation of being as “bein'” was a nice touch! One thing that might help with this read is what I will call “The Response Method.” Your partner may be asking questions as you talk about the product with f****l expressions or brief questions. If you can figure out where those questioning remarks or looks are, it will strengthen the read and make it sound more like “I think this will help strengthen/beautify your hair!” instead of “Here is something I use. You should try it.”
You have a solid foundation for both of these. With a bit of polish, I can see you doing a commercial for one of these companies/products down the line! Keep up the good work!
Here are a few more reads I worked on last week. The scripts are from the Harvey Home Theatre and Motel 6 scripts in the library.
Harvey Home Theatre
He has a 160 IQ, performs cardiac surgery for a living. And now, he can even operate his home entertainment system. Introducing Harvey Home Theater. It’s so sophisticated, it’s simple. Dimensions of sight and sound unheard of, until now. All at your fingertips. Now, if he could only operate the microwave. Home Theater from Harvey, not your ordinary electronics store. Call for the Harvey near you.Motel 6 Do Over
I’ve just been hearing about this trendy new hairstyle called a man bun. I mean what’s next the hee hive? well Motel 6 recently got a new updo of sorts too with renovations nationwide and even with our fresh modern look you’ll still find rooms at the lowest price of any national chain so you can save up enough money to get yourself a haircut or maybe a hat.
We’ll leave the light on for you, at Motel6.comHi, Don!
First of all, your voice is great! It has a certain gravitas that gets the audience’s attention and it works wonderfully for both of these reads! I could understand what you were saying clearly during the Aetna read! The pacing of the Pilot Shop read was great, too!
One thing that will help you with the reads is to ask who you would have these conversations with. Say, for Aetna, you’re talking to someone who’s uncertain about their healthcare options or maybe they’re lost trying to find what works for them. Perhaps you’re talking to a younger person who wants to be a pilot and needs the right teacher or simply wants to know what it’s like to fly one! Identifying who you’re speaking with and why you would bring either of these topics up will make your delivery sound more conversational. As it is now, it IS a bit robotic. However, you laid down a solid foundation to build on with these pieces of copy!
Hi, Colton!
Listening to these clips, your voice is very crisp and clear. Your diction is great–I can understand every word you say–and your pacing on the Cleaner Elections read was good!
One thing I believe you can improve on is creating more stakes in each read. Think about who you’re talking to in both pieces of copy. In Cleaner Elections, why is it important to stop the constant mudslinging tactics politicians use? Why is it so urgent that this system gets fixed? In the History Channel, what strikes your scene partner’s curiosity about living in another era? Is it their sense of right and wrong? Are they interested in the lives people of other time periods lived? Think about the emotional response you want from them both. You have incredibly clear reads and a wonderful voice, but it’s missing the substance that makes it sound conversational: Convey that urgency, heighten their curiosity, get them to FEEL something!
I would definitely keep these for practice and maybe edit the copy for a demo (never rip the exact copy, but don’t spoof the names). You picked really good options for reads!
I wanted to try my voice at a few commercials in the script library: One for Advil and one for Honey Bunches of Oats. I believe I took the right steps to make the reads conversational, but I would be grateful if I could get some feedback. These were the first recorded takes of each copy since I also want to try to worry less about getting the “right take” and more about getting a believable take.
