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Good start!

I’ll avoid hardware feedback unless you want it. The second read was definitely stronger. I can’t tell you what Darth Maul sounds like either, but that’s the beauty of voiceover – uniqueness! (unless you’re an impressionist focus). I will say pumping up your sinister energy is working for you, there’s like a bit of s****m in each beat. I’m reminded of Scar from The Lion King pacing back and forth with his evil plans (mwhaha!). I think it’s an inner monologue so balancing over-acting with tepidity is probably the greatest challange. Strictly for practice, you can try adding a thoughtful conniving “Hmmm” after each thought to help frame the spontaity of the scene.