Hello Joyce, you have a great voice for commercials! As you continue training you’ll hone and sharpen the style of your voice; you sound amazing.
That said, I do agree that you want to sound more conversational. What I do is try to imagine who I would be sharing this with and keep that in mind as I deliver to make it sound more conversational. Also, you have some breaths at the beginning of each sentence and the ends that you’ll want to edit out to ensure the audio is cleaner.
Otherwise, keep working at it and you’ll do great!
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