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I like what you did with the script. I think the tone you adopted was consistent and very fitting to a documentary’s narration. The tempo was also well-placed, but you were pausing midsentence. Also, it doesn’t sound conversational and more like an audiobook. You need to get into the spirit of this script by imagining where you’d be saying this and to who. (I envision this as a “tour guide’s” monologue to tourists at the Shakespeare estate or something.) I hope that helps.
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