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Way to try to tackle a tough challenge Lilbelle. Great work.
I might suggest in attempting to be less choppy, to try to say the whole thing through a couple of times ignoring the punctuation and making the whole thing one word. breathe when you need to but just as an exercise to read it through a few times plowing through the whole thing. then add in that you are telling one of your friends about it. I might even suggest trying the copy on a real life relative or friend not selling them anything but actually just telling them the info to get the conversational feel in your bones. Think about if you really wanted to go to disney and (if you don’t know) it’s really expensive to go there so getting 30% off is a HUGE deal.

moving forward look at the words that repeat. Stay Magic, Disney and remember the disney co is all about imagining and wonder