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First, very nice, rich tone to your voice.
Performance wise, two things stand out to me:
1) Respect the punctuation. The “albeit misconceived” clause kind of lives right on top and bulldozes over the commas that feel like they should be there, and there’s a few other times where it feels like that happens and the message starts to get muddied for me. Give the script room to breathe and tell a story.
2) It felt like the same emotional note throughout, no real changes in the overall inflection or emotion. Find the beats in the story, and make the changes in tone to reflect that. You have a very rich voice that will match well with a luxury brand, now it’s just about connecting with the material.
Who are you coaching with, if I may ask?