Reply To: Feedback Forum
Hellooooooooo CYeschenko! Love the relaxed quality of your voice! You’ve got some great stuff in here which means to really serve you I’m gonna be nit-picky. :). The goal is not to correct anything in this read but to show you how to think about your future reads. (see Disclaimer below LOL)
Overall I’d say just have a lot more pride in being a part of U of Akron.
This… is our next stop in life.
You can give a bit more weight to “this” as if you’re saying: “Right HERE on this spot”
“Our” almost sounds like “are”
You hit “next” and “stop” pretty equally, I would suggest hitting “next”… Think about the actions of those words, or rather the action of one and the inaction of the other. We want to build the anticipation. Aaaaaaaand there’s a “t” in “next” I couldn’t hear.
Home to 25,000 fearless dreamers.
“Fearless” is a delicious word! Hitting the 25,000 is fab but I think “fearless” needs some love, too.
And though we hail from near and far,
and study hundreds of different majors,
we all experience the power of ambition.
“We’re all really different”… that’s what those first two lines are saying. I’d love for you to say those first two lines with the same casualness… and in about the same amount of time! So a bit faster, but with the intent of communicating “We’re all really different”. And I think doing that will also change your delivery of the third line, maybe bringing out “all” a bit more.
And I would lean on “power” a bit more than “ambition” because you get to address ambition directly in the next line.
Ambition that’s launched 50 start-ups,
spawned 350 patents,
and pushed countless programs
to be the nation’s best.
I like this! You hit the numbers nicely… think of “countless” as a number, too. And you can ignore all those commas and say it all as one thought.
Here… at the University of Akron,
Look, look! Here’s the “Here” I was talking about! And you nailed it!!!! Notice how they’ve used the same style of punctuation, too. So the arc of these is “This…” (ooh, what’s this?) “Here… (oh! I get it!).
This is the first time we hear the client name so you can give it a bit more weight… maybe landing down on “Akron” a bit.
Our experiences grow with internships and
coops that launch careers… not just jobs.
“experiences” is a delish word, too… you can totally bring that word out.
IN-tern-ships is the preferred pronunciation, I think, over in-TERN-ships.
In the last three words I’d love to hear a bit of “but you’re gonna get great jobs, too!” Yeah… it’s subtle, but you can totally do that.
Experience the power of many.
“Experience”… you just said how they grow.
“Power”… in our ambition.
“Many”… 25,000 + 50 + 350 + countless!
This is a great culminating sentence… you get to wrap it ALL up right here. I’d love to hear more pride and gravitas.
I hope most of that made sense.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m working super hard to develop not only my critical ear but also my ability to express – in, hopefully a helpful way – larger concepts of script analysis. So – yikes – this is super long! It’s another way I’m working my craft. THANK YOU for posting this and allowing me to really explore it. There’s so much good in the quality of your voice, and I’m only giving you things to think about that you can apply moving forward. Good, good work!
- This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by DenaDahilig. Reason: typo