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mlanham, I wrote that script with my coach for my demo. It was a good performance overall, with good recording quality too. May want to eliminate the background noise. As far as critiquing your performance, you don’t want to be monotone with this script because it is meant to be like Obi Wan Kenobi from Star Wars when he talks about the Force. Maybe add some more emotion into the recording, embody the feelings in the moment, (war, apocalypse, thief and bandits etc.) as you perform.
hope this critique was helpful.