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Really good read! One thing that’s helped me with commercial copy is to imagine the script as the middle of the conversation, not the beginning. Either you’re telling someone something they don’t know, or they’ve just told you something with which you disagree. This can elevate your excitement and increase the energy of the read.
In this case, I would imagine that you’re making small talk with a new client about a recent experience with identity theft. They’ve heard of Private Payments, but they thought it sounded like BS. So the question “Do you know me?” can be a little more authoritative; you both already know the answer is no. Then, accent the contrast: “In my BUSINESS, recognition is always important.” Changing that opening motivation might help you keep the urgency up throughout the read.
Best of luck!