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#60222
kfvoicekfvoice
Participant

I really like this, Robert! I, too, agree with Mary and Brian about the tone. I also echo that while the tone is good, give it a little more energy.

What stuck out to me, is that I liked how you delivered, and had emphasis, on the first “fresh”, “waves”, and “sea” at the end of the sentences.

I don’t know what the script had, but it sounded like there was too long of a pause between “Wind Drift” and “does that too you.” I think you were trying to billboard and highlight Wind Drift, since it is the product you are selling. If you take out the pause, it would flow in that part of the script better. After that, the pauses work, to me anyway, because that is the tag line.

I hope this helps!

Kathy