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I agree with Kathy, the second is much better in terms of pacing and all-around tone, at least to my ear. I comes across more plain-spoken and earnest, just stating simple facts. I think (again, this is just to my ear, so take that for what it’s worth) that there are a few places that could use some tweaks in terms of tone or “impact”, but if you were to work with a coach on this one it should absolutely be on your commercial demo reel. You definitely have the voice for it.