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Hello Mary,
This was well done. You enunciated good words and sounded conversational. You were pausing a lot though, and much of it was midsentence. My coach Art advised me to only pause at periods and commas. Also, it sounded like you said “ken” instead of “can.” Your tone leaves something to be desired. Indeed you sound confident but not very interested and I think that is crucial for commercial scripts.
I hope this helps,
Tim D.
