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Love your tone and texture, definitely has some natural gravitas to it. To that end, though, I don’t feel your connection to the script; it feels “read” as opposed to “delivered”, it that makes any sense. Given the material, this should have weight to it, right? That’s where you have to use your natural tools (that voice of yours) and bring some more performance to it. Let it breath a bit, give it more variety in emphasis.

Also, is this a bit long for a demo? I don’t know what yours will be like when it’s complete, but the one I had produced through Edge for narration was 6 scripts, each at about 18 seconds long to offer a variety of tone and delivery. But if you are making this as a stand-alone piece, than having multiple reads doesn’t matter, I suppose.