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Hi mkell755…and first of all, thanks for your feedback on my Milne poem!
With the goals you’ve set out, I think you’re on a great path. The lead-in was perfect, and I think set your pace nicely. You have (to my ear) found a great, casual, conversational tone. The raise in pitch (whatever the term is for making something sound like a question) periodically reminded me of the youthful, millennial style that’s popular now. Just make sure you’re creating that effect intentionally. One example I can point out is “complicated foreign language,” which sounded like a question before the comma. Also, make sure you’re not skipping too quickly over words that deserve a little more time. “Little” in “little black dots” got pretty well swallowed up by the words around it. But really effective read, I thought!